We’ve all been there. We’ve done something to hurt, offend, or anger someone we love. It’s awkward. There’s tension and maybe even some regret. The clear next step is to break the ice and acknowledge what happened.
As a marriage counselor, I see many people who don’t know where to start. Apologizing is a lost art, and it’s hard to know how to apologize to repair effectively.
In marriage counseling, there tend to be two types of people when it comes to apologizing. The first type is those who rush in, apologize, and take the blame, so to speak, just to move on and keep the peace. Smoothing it over might look good on the surface, as it keeps things moving, but if the apology feels empty or is not genuine, you're in no better place than where you started. Then there's the person who struggles to admit wrongdoing or admit they did something that negatively impacted someone they care about. So, the first part of the process is to own your thoughts and emotions. Are you in a place to genuinely apologize? Or do you need to regulate your own feelings more?
Once you find yourself in a clear headspace, consider these four components that should be included in your apology and the DOs and DON’Ts of each.
Guidelines for an Effective Apology
Be specific.
It’s important to be very specific about what you are apologizing for. Refrain from apologizing for how the other person perceives you or how the other person feels; it always misses the mark.
DO: “I’m sorry I ignored you when I came home after work last night.”
DON’T: “I’m sorry you feel angry that I ignored you.”
Admit you were wrong.
This is the hardest part of an apology! For an apology to be genuine, you want to admit wrongdoing. Even if your intentions were good (most of the time, they are!), that isn’t what’s important here. Let them know that you see that what you did had a negative impact.
DO: “It wasn’t right for me to treat you that way.”
DON’T: “ I didn’t mean for it to come off that way” - or - “It wasn’t my intention to treat you that way.”
Show that you understand their perspective.
Again, be specific. Put yourself in their shoes, let them know you understand how your actions impacted them, and go a step further to imagine how they must have felt emotionally. Then, reflect that to them.
DO: “I imagine you must have felt unimportant to me at that moment.”
DON’T: “You’re being sensitive, so you took it the wrong way.”
Ask for forgiveness.
Apologizing is a vulnerable task. You’re putting yourself out there to admit you were wrong and ultimately asking for repair. Once you’ve covered the first three steps, ask for forgiveness. Understand that the receiver may need more time before they wipe the slate clean.
DO: “ Are you willing to forgive me?”
DON’T: “Hope you feel better now that I apologized so we can move on.”
An effective apology is just one skill that can help you have a healthier communication pattern in your marriage. If you’re struggling, marriage counseling can help. Reach out to one of our marriage counselors to schedule a free consult call.
Article by Cat van der Westhuizen, LPC, LMFT
Offering Austin Marriage Counseling, Couples Therapy, and Individual Counseling