5 Reasons Couples Begin Couples Therapy

 

Considering the idea of couples therapy or marriage counseling to help navigate through the difficulties of your relationship may stir up feelings of vulnerability and anxiety. However, it's important to recognize that couples therapy is not a sign that your relationship or marriage is in trouble or on its way to failure. Instead, it can be a powerful tool for growth, understanding, and building a stronger foundation for your relationship. In this blog post, we'll explore reasons why couples might consider beginning couples therapy and how it can be beneficial for relationships.

1. Gain better communication skills 

One of the most common reasons couples might begin couples therapy is to address communication challenges. Many couples find themselves struggling with how to communicate with their partner in a beneficial way. Couples therapy is a great resource when exploring an issue like communication. A couples therapist can provide a neutral and supportive space for couples to learn effective communication strategies, express their needs, and better understand one another. 

2. Conflict resolution 

Every relationship encounters conflicts, but when disagreements becomerepetitive or escalate into frequent arguments, it can significantly impact arelationship and the bond between partners. Couples therapy equips coupleswith tools to navigate disagreements in a more constructive way. Couplestherapists often guide couples through conflict resolution techniques that promotehaving a better understanding of one another and finding beneficial and effectivesolutions to conflict.

3. Increase intimacy & build a deeper emotional connection

Another reason couples might begin couples therapy is to build a deeper connection with one another. As relationships evolve, couples might find themselves feeling disconnected or lacking emotional intimacy. Couples therapy is a great way for couples to explore these challenges and help couples reconnect. 

4. Navigate life transitions & stressors 

A couple might look into beginning couples therapy when undergoing a life transition. Life is full of transitions, from job changes to moving to welcoming a newborn to becoming empty nesters. These changes can add stress to a relationship. Couples therapy provides a supportive environment to navigate these challenges, offering coping strategies and helping couples adapt to their new circumstances. 

5. Direction after a breach of trust 

Trust is one of the most important components in any relationship, and when it's broken, rebuilding it can be a complex and delicate process. Whether it's infidelity or another kind of breach of trust, such as lies or betrayal, these things can destroy trust, often leaving couples feeling shattered and uncertain about the future. Couples therapy offers a structured environment for rebuilding and repairing the trust that has been broken. Couples therapists can guide couples through the process of forgiveness, healing, and establishing new patterns of trust.

Choosing to begin couples therapy is a courageous first step toward growth and healing. It requires vulnerability, commitment, and a willingness to explore the dynamics of your relationship. Whether you're facing communication challenges, conflicts, intimacy issues, life transitions, or trust issues, seeking help from a couples therapist can help provide couples with the tools and insights needed for growth and positive transformation.

Emily Ilseng, MA, LMFT Associate

Offering Austin Couples Therapy & Marriage Counseling + Individual Counseling

 

4 Myths About Couples Therapy for Affair Recovery

 

Affairs can be devastating to a relationship, shaking the foundation on which a couple has built. The aftermath of an affair is often filled with emotional turmoil, mistrust, and a sense of betrayal. Considering addressing the aftermath of an affair in couples therapy can feel very daunting. As a couples therapist, I often encounter couples who harbor fears about seeking help for the aftermath of an affair. In this blog post, my hope is to dispute common myths surrounding infidelity in couples therapy and provide reassurance and guidance for those thinking about couples therapy for affair recovery or infidelity recovery.

Myth #1: The Role of the Couples Therapist In Affair Recovery Is To Assign Blame

One myth, and a significant fear for many couples, is that the role of the couples therapist will focus on assigning blame to one partner. Couples therapists work towards fostering open communication and facilitating a deeper understanding of each partner's needs and concerns. Blaming one partner for the affair would be very unhelpful and could potentially harm the therapeutic process. Both individuals play a role in the healing process, and couples therapy aims to create a supportive environment for both partners to express themselves.

Myth #2: Seeking Couples Therapy For Affair Recovery Should Only Be A Last Resort 

Only utilizing couples therapy as a last resort is a misconception. Oftentimes, couples feel that their only option is to get through the aftermath of an affair alone, which can cause even more added stress to a very delicate and challenging situation. Seeking couples therapy early on after infidelity or an affair is discovered can help the couple feel supported and that they do not have to navigate this alone. Therapists are equipped with the skills and tools to guide couples through the challenges of affair recovery - rebuilding trust, fostering communication, and repairing the relationship after an affair happens.

Myth #3: The Role Of A Couples Therapist In Affair Recovery Is To Only Focus On The Partner Who Was Involved In An Affair 

Some couples may fear that therapy will solely focus on the partner who had the affair. In reality, effective couples therapy for affair recovery involves addressing the needs and emotions of both partners. Couples therapists strive to create a balanced approach, ensuring that each individual's experiences are acknowledged and that each partner feels heard and validated through this process.

Myth #4: Couples Will Be Able To See Immediate Resolution With Just A Few Sessions 

Expecting to see an immediate resolution is another misconception about couples therapy for affair recovery. Rebuilding trust after infidelity is a gradual process that requires time, patience, and commitment from both partners. Therapy provides a structured and supportive environment, but it does not offer a quick fix. Couples should be prepared to invest time and effort when working towards infidelity recovery or affair recovery.

Infidelity is undoubtedly a delicate and challenging topic for couples to navigate. However, addressing these myths about affair recovery in couples therapy can help alleviate fears and encourage couples to seek the support they need when thinking about seeking couples therapy for affair recovery.

Emily Ilseng, MA, LMFT Associate

Offering Austin Couples Therapy for Affair Recovery and Individual Counseling

 

Four Behaviors in a Marriage that Predict Divorce: Gottman’s Four Horsemen

 

In the book The Seven Principles of Making Marriage Work, by Dr. John Gottman and Nan Silver, the authors discuss Dr. Gottman’s "Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse". The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse are communication patterns that, if present, can indicate significant relational distress and can even be a strong indicator to predict a breakup or divorce. If any of these patterns show up during interactions with your partner, pay attention and take action. Learn to identify, understand, and fix these dynamics so that you can improve your relationship or marriage (and even save it!).

What are The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse?

  1. Criticism

    Criticism represents a destructive communication style where one partner attacks the other's character or personality, rather than addressing a specific behavior or situation. Instead of addressing the specific behavior, one partner generalizes the other’s faults or blames the other partner.

  2. Contempt

    Contempt shows up when one partner expresses an attitude of superiority and disrespect towards the other partner, which is often seen through sarcasm or name-calling. This can include physical eye-rolling or making comments that belittle the other partner's opinions. 

  3. Defensiveness

    Defensiveness is expressed when one partner neglects to accept responsibility and fails to try to understand their partner's perspective. Usually, defensive individuals tend to immediately counterattack or deflect blame.

  4. Stonewalling

    Stonewalling occurs when one partner refuses to engage with the other or emotionally shuts down due to feeling generally overwhelmed or flooded with specific emotions. This response can include acts such as avoiding eye contact or physically leaving the room.

Sometimes, it’s hard to acknowledge that you and your partner are struggling to communicate effectively. Learning about Dr. Gottman’s concepts (such as the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse) can be helpful when you are feeling stuck and wondering how to improve interactions with your partner. By recognizing and addressing these destructive communication patterns, you can start to improve some of your negative communication habits. If efforts are not made to improve or change these patterns, your relationship or marriage may continue to suffer and, in time, become less and less beneficial to you or your partner. 

So how can you identify these issues and make changes? In the next four parts of this blog series, we’ll look at each of these patterns, examine specific scenarios to illustrate each concept, and discuss how to improve or change each type of dysfunctional cycle.

Article by Lindsay Poth, MA, LMFT Associate

Offering Marriage Counseling in Austin, Individual Counseling for Women, & Individual Counseling for Men

 

Meet Austin Couples Therapist Emily Ilseng

 

Tell us a little about who you are and your background as a couples therapist…

Hi there! My name is Emily Ilseng, and I am a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (LMFT) Associate and couples therapist based in Austin, Texas. Since I started counseling, I have worked with a variety of individuals, couples, teens, and families. I am trained in Prepare/Enrich, which I utilize in premarital therapy with couples, and I also use Gottman Method Couples Therapy.

Why did you choose to become a couples therapist?

Learning about psychology, relationship dynamics, and having an understanding of a person’s personality has always fascinated me, and it is what initially sparked my desire to be a therapist. Growing up, I always wanted to be at a job that revolved around working with others and helping others. Therapy as a profession felt like a great way to help and support others in a personal manner. Another reason why I chose to become a therapist is because I know what it feels like to feel misunderstood and just want to feel seen and heard. As a therapist, I now have the privilege and opportunity to provide a safe space to allow clients to feel heard and seen, as well as explore their emotions and whatever challenges life might be throwing at them.

Where did you get your counseling education?

I graduated with a Bachelor of Arts in Psychology from Texas Tech University. I have a Master of Arts in Counseling with a concentration in Marriage, Couples, and Family Therapy from St. Edward's University here in Austin.

What types of therapy clients do you like to work with?

In individual therapy, I love to work with those who might be experiencing perfectionism or are wanting to understand their own relationships or family dynamics. I specialize in couples therapy for those who are longing for a deeper connection with their partner or are wanting to repair their relationship after a betrayal. The reason I love working with these types of individuals or couples has to do with my own personal experience of wanting a deeper understanding of my own relationships and family dynamics. I have a passion for learning about relationships, and I want to help support others who are wanting to gain a better understanding of themselves or their relationship dynamics.

What do you enjoy outside of therapy?

Outside of the therapy room, I like to read my Kindle. My favorite genre right now is psychological thrillers, specifically those written by Freida McFadden! I also enjoy watching college football with friends, and in the fall, I love attending games. My favorite teams to watch are my Texas Tech Red Raiders, of course! A close second favorite is Texas Christian University— Go Frogs! I also love going to spin classes, going for walks on the trail, and playing golf when the weather is nice.

If you resonate with Emily and you’re ready to take the next step, reach out to schedule a free 15-minute phone consultation. 

Emily Ilseng, MA, LMFT Associate

Offering Austin Couples Therapy and Individual Counseling

 

4 ​​Keys to an Effective Apology from a Marriage Counselor

 

We’ve all been there. We’ve done something to hurt, offend, or anger someone we love. It’s awkward. There’s tension and maybe even some regret. The clear next step is to break the ice and acknowledge what happened.

As a marriage counselor, I see many people who don’t know where to start. Apologizing is a lost art, and it’s hard to know how to apologize to repair effectively.

In marriage counseling, there tend to be two types of people when it comes to apologizing. The first type is those who rush in, apologize, and take the blame, so to speak, just to move on and keep the peace. Smoothing it over might look good on the surface, as it keeps things moving, but if the apology feels empty or is not genuine, you're in no better place than where you started. Then there's the person who struggles to admit wrongdoing or admit they did something that negatively impacted someone they care about. So, the first part of the process is to own your thoughts and emotions. Are you in a place to genuinely apologize? Or do you need to regulate your own feelings more?

Once you find yourself in a clear headspace, consider these four components that should be included in your apology and the DOs and DON’Ts of each. 

Guidelines for an Effective Apology

  1. Be specific.

    • It’s important to be very specific about what you are apologizing for. Refrain from apologizing for how the other person perceives you or how the other person feels; it always misses the mark. 

      • DO: “I’m sorry I ignored you when I came home after work last night.”

      • DON’T: “I’m sorry you feel angry that I ignored you.” 

  2. Admit you were wrong.

    • This is the hardest part of an apology! For an apology to be genuine, you want to admit wrongdoing. Even if your intentions were good (most of the time, they are!), that isn’t what’s important here. Let them know that you see that what you did had a negative impact.

      • DO: “It wasn’t right for me to treat you that way.”

      • DON’T: “ I didn’t mean for it to come off that way” - or - “It wasn’t my intention to treat you that way.”

  3. Show that you understand their perspective.

    • Again, be specific. Put yourself in their shoes, let them know you understand how your actions impacted them, and go a step further to imagine how they must have felt emotionally. Then, reflect that to them.

      • DO: “I imagine you must have felt unimportant to me at that moment.”

      • DON’T: “You’re being sensitive, so you took it the wrong way.”

  4. Ask for forgiveness.

    • Apologizing is a vulnerable task. You’re putting yourself out there to admit you were wrong and ultimately asking for repair. Once you’ve covered the first three steps, ask for forgiveness. Understand that the receiver may need more time before they wipe the slate clean. 

      • DO: “ Are you willing to forgive me?”

      • DON’T: “Hope you feel better now that I apologized so we can move on.”

An effective apology is just one skill that can help you have a healthier communication pattern in your marriage. If you’re struggling, marriage counseling can help. Reach out to one of our marriage counselors to schedule a free consult call.

Article by Cat van der Westhuizen, LPC, LMFT

Offering Austin Marriage Counseling, Couples Therapy, and Individual Counseling

 

Secure Attachment Style in Relationships

 

Relationship Scenario: You call your partner, and they don’t answer. 

Someone with an anxious attachment style might say: “Did I do something wrong? When will they call me back?”

Someone with an avoidant attachment style says: ”If they’re rejecting my call, I will ignore them when they call back.”

Someone with a secure attachment style might say: “Hmm, they must be busy. I will get back to work and look forward to hearing from them.” - or - “I will just text them - Call me when you’re free. It is not an emergency. I just have a question about dinner.”

Secure Attachment Style

Secure attachment is the healthiest attachment style. It is grounded, mature, and wise. Those with secure attachment have a healthy sense of self-worth, acceptance, and vulnerability. Those with secure attachment manage emotions and communication in the clearest way, leaving less of a push-pull in their relationships. 

In my previous two posts on attachment styles, we explored anxious attachment and avoidant attachment styles. In this blog post, we will touch on what it means to have a secure attachment style, as well as how a secure attachment style is developed as a child and then shows up as an adult.

Attachment styles are four behavioral archetypes based on attachment theory and research. Research suggests that secure attachment style is the most common type of attachment style in our society. Around 66% of the nation’s population is estimated to have a secure attachment style.

How does Secure Attachment Style Develop?

A child’s experience of responsiveness and attunement from caregivers impacts how they experience the world and relationships later in life. As children, those with a secure attachment style likely had their caregiver attend to them when they had physical cues such as crying. As a baby, they trusted their caregiver would be there for them. Trust is the anchor of secure attachment style. These individuals also had a stronger ability to self-soothe, as well as the ability not to let emotions drive their behavior.

Children develop secure attachment by having their needs met, feeling supported, having a sense of belonging, and feeling safe, trusted, seen, and heard while also being able to be on their own and test the world, knowing they can return safely. An example of a child with secure attachment would be - a child having their parent within view while still having autonomy and playing independently.

Secure Attachment in Adult Relationships

In adulthood, a secure attachment style is typically characterized as feeling comfortable in intimate relationships, balancing thinking emotionally and logically with a sense that, no matter what, you’ll be okay. People with a secure attachment style are generally able to communicate their needs and feelings effectively. It is the ability to self-soothe and regulate the nervous system, plus knowing, liking, and trusting all parts of yourself.

An adult with secure attachment:

  1. Knows how to regulate their emotions and understands their feelings 

  2. Has autonomy and the ability to navigate the world independently 

  3. Is open, connected, and trusting of others

  4. Is clear on who they are and what their purpose is

  5. Can communicate clearly 

  6. Strives to live a meaningful life

  7. Can ask for support from others and also lend support to others

  8. Is balanced with togetherness and separateness

  9. Is comfortable alone

  10. Is able to be reflective and observant of how they participate and contribute to the relationship

The good news is you can change your attachment style. Even if you didn’t have all these things growing up, you can work on shifting your attachment style and becoming securely attached in your adult relationships.

How to move from anxious or avoidant attachment styles to secure attachment style: 

  1. Learn to self soothe 

  2. Learn to regulate emotions and your nervous system

  3. Express primary vulnerable emotions

  4. Go to individual therapy 

  5. Take time to be self-compassionate and mindful

  6. Be around those that feel safe in a relationship and feel capable and comfortable being transparent

  7. Attend relationship therapy or couples therapy with your partner to practice healthy communication

  8. Set healthy boundaries

Developing a secure attachment style can lead to even more fulfilling and satisfying relationships, along with greater emotional well-being. So don't hesitate to work towards this goal - your future self will thank you! If you would like to work on developing a secure attachment style in your relationships, reach out to us to book an individual therapy, relationship therapy, or couples therapy session. 

 

What to Expect in Your First EFT Couples Therapy Session

 

One of the first questions I ask my new couples therapy clients once they arrive at my office is - “What feelings do you notice coming up as you sit down for this session?” I get many answers, from dread and nervousness to anticipation and excitement.

It makes sense! I’m totally new, and they are in my office opening up about the most important relationship in their lives. If you find yourself unsure of what to expect, this post will give you an idea of what to expect when starting couples therapy.

What Happens in the First Couples Therapy Session

Typically, clients have already had a phone call with their couples therapist to determine fit and schedule an appointment, and they have filled out the paperwork online. So the first session isn’t their first encounter with the therapist, but it is the first opportunity for them to talk to their couples therapist about their relationship history, how things are currently going, and what they hope to work on.

I meet the clients in the waiting room and invite them into my office. Before we get into anything, I will review our practice policies and paperwork on topics like confidentiality, payment, cancellation policy, outside communication, etc. This is also the time when I will answer any questions my clients might have about the couples therapy process. This can be a bit of an odd way to start a session, but it’s only necessary the first time.

The first couples therapy session is all about getting to know one another and starting to understand and map out the negative interaction pattern that comes alive between the couple. I practice couples therapy using Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT). In EFT, we call this the cycle or the dance, and we spend much of the first session focused on understanding the ins and outs of the couple's unique cycle.

I want each client to connect with their emotional experience of conflict in their relationship. When there is conflict, who turns up the emotional heat? Who turns it down? We explore the pattern that is co-created between partners in the relationship. The first session is typically spent talking directly to your couples therapist vs hashing it out with one another or speaking to each other about your concerns. 

Towards the end of the, I will spend time with the couple exploring their hopes and goals for couples therapy. I’ll ask questions like:

“What do you want out of this process?”

“How do you hope to feel?”

“What will tell you that your couples therapy experience was a success?”

As we wrap up, we schedule individual therapy sessions for each client to meet with the therapist to discuss family history and talk more one-on-one before rejoining to meet as a couple for the duration of our work.

Couples therapy can be a game changer. If you’re interested in improving your relationship, please reach out to one of our couples therapists for a free phone consultation.

Article by Austin Couples Therapist, Cat van der Westhuizen, LPC, LMFT

Cat provides in-person therapy at our office in North Austin

 

9 Cognitive Distortions That Influence Negative Thinking

 

Do you recall a time when you were driving, a song came on, and as a result, you felt a certain emotion or had a specific memory? Then what happened? Did you feel sad and cry, or maybe you got mad and got upset? Then what did you do? Did you text your ex because the song made you think of them or honk at a car around you because you were mad?

Sometimes, do you feel like these experiences are out of your control? Our thoughts impact our emotions, which influence our behavior. This concept is the foundation of a type of therapy called Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, also known as CBT.

The premise of CBT is about how what we feel, what we think, and how we act impact one another.

Let’s take another example - you go on Instagram, see someone posted a picture on vacation with their new girlfriend, and you then think, “I will die alone.”

This is an example of what we call a cognitive distortion - a thought pattern or belief that is exaggerated, irrational, or inaccurate. Sometimes we create cognitive distortions from thoughts, emotions, and behaviors.

CBT therapy helps you process your thoughts, feelings, and behaviors in order to be more present. One way to do this is by working with cognitive distortions.

Examples of cognitive distortions:

  1. Black and white thinking - you have an all-or-nothing mentality

    Example: “I didn’t do the dishes. I am lazy, and I am a failure.”

  2. Catastrophizing - you go to the extreme, worst-case scenario 

    Example: “I will not pass the exam, and it will be a bad experience.”

  3. Discounting - you feel unworthy and discount an experience, justifying the unworthiness

    Example: “I only passed because I got lucky.”

  4. Emotional reasoning - you rationalize your feeling

    Example: “I feel sad, so something must be wrong with my career.”

  5. Labeling  - you label yourself as something negative 

    Example: “I am broken.”

  6. Should statements - you guilt or shame yourself for what you think you are supposed to do

    Example: “I should fold the laundry right now, even though I am exhausted.” 

  7. Blaming - you blame someone or something else

    Example: “It is my mom's fault for being like this.” 

  8. Overgeneralizing  - you generalize an experience

    Example: “I had bad luck last time I tried this. I will never get it right.”

  9. Mind reading - assuming what someone else is thinking

    Example: “I know he doesn’t like me.”

Cognitive distortions can impact how we feel about ourselves, go about our day, and impact our overall well-being. With CBT strategies, we can become more aware and train ourselves to be aware of these thoughts, beliefs, and behaviors to improve our quality of life.

Here are a few CBT strategies:

Cognitive Restructuring

This strategy is about identifying and reframing cognitive distortions with a better outlook.

For example, you recognize when tell yourself that you are lazy because you should have been more productive (an example of a should statement and an overgeneralization). You can use the strategy of cognitive restructuring to reframe and consciously remember all the times you have been productive, then instead tell yourself that maybe you need rest right now.

Mindfulness

Mindfulness is one of the best ways to be present. Mindfulness practices include breathing, meditation, journaling, and moving your body. The key is to purposefully engage in and focus on an experience without any evaluation or judgement. With a mindfulness practice, you become more aware of your thoughts, befriend them, and are able to just be with them.  You can bring the subconscious to consciousness. You can respond versus react to your thoughts. By tuning into yourself, you can intentionally replace your cognitive distortions with cognitive restructuring.

Other CBT strategies include exposure therapy, self-compassion, behavioral activation, and skill training.

Realizing that some of these cognitive distortions are ones you use at times? Reach out to Sarah for support in recognizing and working with cognitive distortions in individual CBT therapy.

Article by Sarah Imparato, MA, LMFT Associate

Offering Couples Therapy & Individual Therapy in Austin, Texas

 

Avoidant Attachment Style in Relationships

 

In my previous post, I wrote about attachment theory, attachment styles, and specifically, anxious attachment style. In this post, we’ll explore another type of attachment style — avoidant attachment style.

Avoidant Attachment Style

People with an avoidant attachment style are generally more distant or dismissive of closeness and intimate relationships. Oftentimes, these individuals did not receive the closeness they were perhaps craving as a child. Their need to express emotions and connectedness was met with disapproval. Those with an avoidant attachment style perhaps had more closed-off, emotionally unavailable, or stern parents. With this, as adults, those with an avoidant attachment style can be very independent and self-sufficient and appear confident. These individuals may fear too much closeness and come off as dismissive.

Avoidant Attachment Style Triggers

Those with avoidant attachment styles can display the image of being overall happy and “fine.” At the same time, on the inside, they struggle to connect with their partner or to feel safe expressing themselves deeply. They might appear to have high self-esteem and a fun-loving personality. They are easy to be around, and it often seems like they have it all together, but they struggle to actually get close to others. For those with avoidant attachment style, a relationship can start to feel scary when the bond starts to feel too “deep.” It may feel like a closed door when it comes to emotional closeness and intimacy with this attachment style. To a partner, this may seem hot and cold and be confusing.

Ways to Manage an Avoidant Attachment Style 

For those with avoidant attachment style, a first step to managing this style is actually to create space and distance. This is a good time to self-reflect and recalibrate the nervous system. Once you regulate your nervous system, you can start asking yourself questions like — “What do I feel? What sensations are arising emotionally and physically? What will make me feel safe to open up?”

Then ask yourself — “What do I need, and what should I do?”  How can you feel safe to share with your partner and lean into the conversation? What will make you feel close?   Gaining insight into your internal compass and taking baby steps towards softening towards another person is a strong step forward that can lead you from avoidant to secure attachment.

For the partner of an individual with avoidant attachment style, it can be so hard to give the avoidant partner space, especially if the partner leans towards an anxious attachment style themselves. The partner may need to take a beat and get curious about their own attachment triggers to give room for their partner to manage theirs. You can also approach your partner by asking how you can support them and how the two of you can connect in the moment. 

In addition to self-reflection and nervous system regulation, individual therapy, marriage counseling, couples therapy, and mindfulness practices can help you manage your avoidant attachment style.

Article by Sarah Imparato, MA, LMFT Associate

Offering Austin Couples Therapy & Individual Therapy in Austin, Texas

 

Anxious Attachment Style in Relationships

 

Your partner doesn’t call you back when you call them — what do you do and think? Do you automatically assume they are mad at you? Do you text them and demand that they call you back? Where is your head at — totally spinning?

You go out on a date with someone new — after the first date, do you immediately start wondering when the next date will be? Does it feel like you absolutely need to know?

These thoughts and reactions may be some indicators of an anxious attachment style.

What is Attachment Theory?

Attachment theory was first founded by John Bowlby in his research on how babies attach to their primary caregiver. For example, in this research, they looked at things like — when the baby cried for a changed diaper, did the caregiver come in and change the diaper? What they found was that the level of responsiveness of a caregiver to a baby’s needs impacted how the baby experienced safety, trust, and connection and influenced how this child would interact in the world with others throughout life.

Sue Johnson furthered the study of this theory with a focus on how these attachment styles show up in our intimate partnerships as adults. Johnson applied the four attachment styles first identified by Bowlby — secure attachment, avoidant attachment, disorganized attachment, and anxious attachment — to adult partnerships.

Anxious Attachment Style

As a child, those with an anxious attachment style may have had an inconsistent or confusing dynamic with their primary caregiver due to inconsistent or misattuned parenting. Perhaps they often had temper tantrums and felt a strong need to be close to their primary caregiver, but the caregiver did not respond with closeness or comfort most of the time. These children may have been easy to get worked up and upset and unable to self-regulate.

In adult partnerships, those with anxious attachment style tend to be “needy” and dependent on their partner. Some signals of anxious attachment include: low self-esteem, fear of rejection and abandonment, jealousy, worry, approval seeking, lack of boundaries, and clinginess.

Anxious Attachment Style Triggers

Triggers for an anxiously attached individual may include: inconsistency in communication from a partner when the partner is running late, when a partner seems distant or disconnected, a partner forgetting an important event, or a partner not noticing a new haircut or outfit.

Those with anxious attachment styles in a relationship can react to their triggers in the following ways: constantly thinking about the relationship, worrying about threats to the relationship, desiring constant connection to their partner, and often being quick to anger, blame, and explain to their partner.

Ways to Manage an Anxious Attachment Style 

If you’re identifying with some of these signals, triggers, or reactions, you may have an anxious attachment style. One of the best ways to work with an anxious attachment style when you’re triggered is to focus on self-regulating your emotions in the following ways:

  • Recognize you’re overstimulated

  • Breathe and think through, holding off on a big emotional reaction

  • Work to calm yourself down and get grounded

  • Manage the expectations of your partner

  • Communicate your anger or hurt in a non-reactive way

In addition to self-regulation, talk therapy, marriage counseling, couples therapy, cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) strategies, and mindfulness also help with managing your anxious attachment style.

Article by Sarah Imparato, MA, LMFT Associate

Offering Austin Couples Therapy & Individual Therapy