Take Charge of Your Mental Health: A Therapist's Guide to Setting Boundaries

 

Boundaries are the invisible lines we draw around ourselves to define our limits, protect our mental health and our emotional and physical well-being, and maintain a sense of autonomy. Establishing boundaries is an act of self-respect, asserting your needs and values in relationships and situations. Maintaining a sense of balance can be challenging, especially when it comes to establishing and maintaining boundaries. As a therapist, I understand the crucial role that boundaries play in our mental health and emotional well-being. In this first blog post in my boundary blog series, we'll explore how you can implement boundaries in your own life. 

7 Tips for Implementing Boundaries from a Mental Health Therapist

1. Self reflect

One of the first steps when thinking about implementing boundaries is to begin by reflecting on your values, needs, and personal boundaries. What behaviors or situations leave you feeling drained or uncomfortable? Identify areas in your life where boundaries are needed.

2. Clarify your limits

Define your boundaries clearly and specifically. Be honest with yourself about what you're comfortable with and what crosses the line, whether it's time, energy, physical space, or emotional intimacy.

3. Communicate assertively

Practice assertive communication when expressing your boundaries to others. Use "I" statements to assert your needs without blaming or accusing. Be direct yet respectful in your interactions when setting boundaries.

4. Set realistic expectations

Be realistic about what you can and cannot control. Understand that not everyone will respect your boundaries, and that's okay. Focus on asserting your limits and prioritizing your well-being, regardless of others' reactions.

5. Learn to say “no” 

Saying no is a powerful act of self-care and boundary-setting. Practice saying no to requests or obligations that conflict with your boundaries. This might feel a bit uncomfortable at first. However, it is essential when working towards maintaining boundaries and prioritizing your well-being.

6. Seek support 

Surround yourself with supportive individuals who respect and encourage your boundaries. Seek guidance from friends, family, or a therapist who can offer validation, insight, and encouragement as you navigate the boundary-setting process.

7. Practice self-compassion

Be gentle and kind with yourself as you begin to establish and enforce boundaries. It's normal to feel anxious or guilty when you are beginning to set boundaries. However, remember that prioritizing your well-being is not selfish — it's essential for your overall health and happiness.

By recognizing and respecting our own boundaries, we honor ourselves and create space for growth, authenticity, and fulfillment in our lives. Understanding boundaries and how to implement them is the first step towards cultivating healthier, more balanced relationships with ourselves and others. So, take a moment to reflect on your own boundaries, and remember, it's okay to set limits that prioritize your mental health and well-being.

Starting therapy is a great way to prioritize your well-being. If you’d like some help working through and implementing your own boundaries, reach out for a free phone consultation to see if we’re a good fit for working together!

 

5 Reasons Couples Begin Couples Therapy

 

Considering the idea of couples therapy or marriage counseling to help navigate through the difficulties of your relationship may stir up feelings of vulnerability and anxiety. However, it's important to recognize that couples therapy is not a sign that your relationship or marriage is in trouble or on its way to failure. Instead, it can be a powerful tool for growth, understanding, and building a stronger foundation for your relationship. In this blog post, we'll explore reasons why couples might consider beginning couples therapy and how it can be beneficial for relationships.

1. Gain better communication skills 

One of the most common reasons couples might begin couples therapy is to address communication challenges. Many couples find themselves struggling with how to communicate with their partner in a beneficial way. Couples therapy is a great resource when exploring an issue like communication. A couples therapist can provide a neutral and supportive space for couples to learn effective communication strategies, express their needs, and better understand one another. 

2. Conflict resolution 

Every relationship encounters conflicts, but when disagreements becomerepetitive or escalate into frequent arguments, it can significantly impact arelationship and the bond between partners. Couples therapy equips coupleswith tools to navigate disagreements in a more constructive way. Couplestherapists often guide couples through conflict resolution techniques that promotehaving a better understanding of one another and finding beneficial and effectivesolutions to conflict.

3. Increase intimacy & build a deeper emotional connection

Another reason couples might begin couples therapy is to build a deeper connection with one another. As relationships evolve, couples might find themselves feeling disconnected or lacking emotional intimacy. Couples therapy is a great way for couples to explore these challenges and help couples reconnect. 

4. Navigate life transitions & stressors 

A couple might look into beginning couples therapy when undergoing a life transition. Life is full of transitions, from job changes to moving to welcoming a newborn to becoming empty nesters. These changes can add stress to a relationship. Couples therapy provides a supportive environment to navigate these challenges, offering coping strategies and helping couples adapt to their new circumstances. 

5. Direction after a breach of trust 

Trust is one of the most important components in any relationship, and when it's broken, rebuilding it can be a complex and delicate process. Whether it's infidelity or another kind of breach of trust, such as lies or betrayal, these things can destroy trust, often leaving couples feeling shattered and uncertain about the future. Couples therapy offers a structured environment for rebuilding and repairing the trust that has been broken. Couples therapists can guide couples through the process of forgiveness, healing, and establishing new patterns of trust.

Choosing to begin couples therapy is a courageous first step toward growth and healing. It requires vulnerability, commitment, and a willingness to explore the dynamics of your relationship. Whether you're facing communication challenges, conflicts, intimacy issues, life transitions, or trust issues, seeking help from a couples therapist can help provide couples with the tools and insights needed for growth and positive transformation.

Emily Ilseng, MA, LMFT Associate

Offering Austin Couples Therapy & Marriage Counseling + Individual Counseling

 

4 Myths About Couples Therapy for Affair Recovery

 

Affairs can be devastating to a relationship, shaking the foundation on which a couple has built. The aftermath of an affair is often filled with emotional turmoil, mistrust, and a sense of betrayal. Considering addressing the aftermath of an affair in couples therapy can feel very daunting. As a couples therapist, I often encounter couples who harbor fears about seeking help for the aftermath of an affair. In this blog post, my hope is to dispute common myths surrounding infidelity in couples therapy and provide reassurance and guidance for those thinking about couples therapy for affair recovery or infidelity recovery.

Myth #1: The Role of the Couples Therapist In Affair Recovery Is To Assign Blame

One myth, and a significant fear for many couples, is that the role of the couples therapist will focus on assigning blame to one partner. Couples therapists work towards fostering open communication and facilitating a deeper understanding of each partner's needs and concerns. Blaming one partner for the affair would be very unhelpful and could potentially harm the therapeutic process. Both individuals play a role in the healing process, and couples therapy aims to create a supportive environment for both partners to express themselves.

Myth #2: Seeking Couples Therapy For Affair Recovery Should Only Be A Last Resort 

Only utilizing couples therapy as a last resort is a misconception. Oftentimes, couples feel that their only option is to get through the aftermath of an affair alone, which can cause even more added stress to a very delicate and challenging situation. Seeking couples therapy early on after infidelity or an affair is discovered can help the couple feel supported and that they do not have to navigate this alone. Therapists are equipped with the skills and tools to guide couples through the challenges of affair recovery - rebuilding trust, fostering communication, and repairing the relationship after an affair happens.

Myth #3: The Role Of A Couples Therapist In Affair Recovery Is To Only Focus On The Partner Who Was Involved In An Affair 

Some couples may fear that therapy will solely focus on the partner who had the affair. In reality, effective couples therapy for affair recovery involves addressing the needs and emotions of both partners. Couples therapists strive to create a balanced approach, ensuring that each individual's experiences are acknowledged and that each partner feels heard and validated through this process.

Myth #4: Couples Will Be Able To See Immediate Resolution With Just A Few Sessions 

Expecting to see an immediate resolution is another misconception about couples therapy for affair recovery. Rebuilding trust after infidelity is a gradual process that requires time, patience, and commitment from both partners. Therapy provides a structured and supportive environment, but it does not offer a quick fix. Couples should be prepared to invest time and effort when working towards infidelity recovery or affair recovery.

Infidelity is undoubtedly a delicate and challenging topic for couples to navigate. However, addressing these myths about affair recovery in couples therapy can help alleviate fears and encourage couples to seek the support they need when thinking about seeking couples therapy for affair recovery.

Emily Ilseng, MA, LMFT Associate

Offering Austin Couples Therapy for Affair Recovery and Individual Counseling

 

Meet Austin Couples Therapist Emily Ilseng

 

Tell us a little about who you are and your background as a couples therapist…

Hi there! My name is Emily Ilseng, and I am a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (LMFT) Associate and couples therapist based in Austin, Texas. Since I started counseling, I have worked with a variety of individuals, couples, teens, and families. I am trained in Prepare/Enrich, which I utilize in premarital therapy with couples, and I also use Gottman Method Couples Therapy.

Why did you choose to become a couples therapist?

Learning about psychology, relationship dynamics, and having an understanding of a person’s personality has always fascinated me, and it is what initially sparked my desire to be a therapist. Growing up, I always wanted to be at a job that revolved around working with others and helping others. Therapy as a profession felt like a great way to help and support others in a personal manner. Another reason why I chose to become a therapist is because I know what it feels like to feel misunderstood and just want to feel seen and heard. As a therapist, I now have the privilege and opportunity to provide a safe space to allow clients to feel heard and seen, as well as explore their emotions and whatever challenges life might be throwing at them.

Where did you get your counseling education?

I graduated with a Bachelor of Arts in Psychology from Texas Tech University. I have a Master of Arts in Counseling with a concentration in Marriage, Couples, and Family Therapy from St. Edward's University here in Austin.

What types of therapy clients do you like to work with?

In individual therapy, I love to work with those who might be experiencing perfectionism or are wanting to understand their own relationships or family dynamics. I specialize in couples therapy for those who are longing for a deeper connection with their partner or are wanting to repair their relationship after a betrayal. The reason I love working with these types of individuals or couples has to do with my own personal experience of wanting a deeper understanding of my own relationships and family dynamics. I have a passion for learning about relationships, and I want to help support others who are wanting to gain a better understanding of themselves or their relationship dynamics.

What do you enjoy outside of therapy?

Outside of the therapy room, I like to read my Kindle. My favorite genre right now is psychological thrillers, specifically those written by Freida McFadden! I also enjoy watching college football with friends, and in the fall, I love attending games. My favorite teams to watch are my Texas Tech Red Raiders, of course! A close second favorite is Texas Christian University— Go Frogs! I also love going to spin classes, going for walks on the trail, and playing golf when the weather is nice.

If you resonate with Emily and you’re ready to take the next step, reach out to schedule a free 15-minute phone consultation. 

Emily Ilseng, MA, LMFT Associate

Offering Austin Couples Therapy and Individual Counseling

 

4 ​​Keys to an Effective Apology from a Marriage Counselor

 

We’ve all been there. We’ve done something to hurt, offend, or anger someone we love. It’s awkward. There’s tension and maybe even some regret. The clear next step is to break the ice and acknowledge what happened.

As a marriage counselor, I see many people who don’t know where to start. Apologizing is a lost art, and it’s hard to know how to apologize to repair effectively.

In marriage counseling, there tend to be two types of people when it comes to apologizing. The first type is those who rush in, apologize, and take the blame, so to speak, just to move on and keep the peace. Smoothing it over might look good on the surface, as it keeps things moving, but if the apology feels empty or is not genuine, you're in no better place than where you started. Then there's the person who struggles to admit wrongdoing or admit they did something that negatively impacted someone they care about. So, the first part of the process is to own your thoughts and emotions. Are you in a place to genuinely apologize? Or do you need to regulate your own feelings more?

Once you find yourself in a clear headspace, consider these four components that should be included in your apology and the DOs and DON’Ts of each. 

Guidelines for an Effective Apology

  1. Be specific.

    • It’s important to be very specific about what you are apologizing for. Refrain from apologizing for how the other person perceives you or how the other person feels; it always misses the mark. 

      • DO: “I’m sorry I ignored you when I came home after work last night.”

      • DON’T: “I’m sorry you feel angry that I ignored you.” 

  2. Admit you were wrong.

    • This is the hardest part of an apology! For an apology to be genuine, you want to admit wrongdoing. Even if your intentions were good (most of the time, they are!), that isn’t what’s important here. Let them know that you see that what you did had a negative impact.

      • DO: “It wasn’t right for me to treat you that way.”

      • DON’T: “ I didn’t mean for it to come off that way” - or - “It wasn’t my intention to treat you that way.”

  3. Show that you understand their perspective.

    • Again, be specific. Put yourself in their shoes, let them know you understand how your actions impacted them, and go a step further to imagine how they must have felt emotionally. Then, reflect that to them.

      • DO: “I imagine you must have felt unimportant to me at that moment.”

      • DON’T: “You’re being sensitive, so you took it the wrong way.”

  4. Ask for forgiveness.

    • Apologizing is a vulnerable task. You’re putting yourself out there to admit you were wrong and ultimately asking for repair. Once you’ve covered the first three steps, ask for forgiveness. Understand that the receiver may need more time before they wipe the slate clean. 

      • DO: “ Are you willing to forgive me?”

      • DON’T: “Hope you feel better now that I apologized so we can move on.”

An effective apology is just one skill that can help you have a healthier communication pattern in your marriage. If you’re struggling, marriage counseling can help. Reach out to one of our marriage counselors to schedule a free consult call.

Article by Cat van der Westhuizen, LPC, LMFT

Offering Austin Marriage Counseling, Couples Therapy, and Individual Counseling

 

How Date Night Can Help | Moving on From the Crisis That Brought You to Couples Therapy

 

There are times when your relationship or marriage feels so-so – when you’re feeling like things are going okay – not bad but also not great. There may be a strong desire and longing for your relationship to be more enjoyable. This can be a common feeling for couples who have just been through a crisis.

If you’re a couple who has started going to couples therapy, these feelings can arise after you and your partner have weathered the crisis that brought you to couples therapy and after you’ve reached a sustained period of time with an even level of stability within your partnership. 

Our relationship isn’t on fire or burning down anymore, but are we really enjoying ourselves?

After you’ve been through any stressful relational situation, there’s a good chance those events have changed some aspects of you as a person, how you view life, or how you view your relationship. The events have also probably changed your partner and your interactions in your relationship. 

How can we start to enjoy each other’s company again?

When you think about times you felt good with your partner, you may think about the experiences you’ve had together or the memories you have made during your relationship, prior to your crisis. One strategy to start to feel more positively toward your partner is to take or make opportunities to create more positive experiences to add to your memory bank. 

Would a date night help?

Date nights can help, and there are strategies that can increase the chance your date night will be a positive experience. The success of a date night doesn’t depend only on spending dedicated, quality time with your partner. Novel experiences – an encounter that both of you are trying for the first time – can take your date nights to a new level of enjoyment. When we try new things, our brain’s reward system is activated, and we produce some of the same chemicals that are also associated with romantic love. 

If you take the opportunity to try something new, you may learn something new about yourself, you may learn something about your partner, or you’ll try a new place. Ideas for introducing new experiences to date night can be as simple as changing your dinner venue to a restaurant neither of you has been to before. You can also get more creative and book a cooking class or try stand up paddle boarding. 

Approach experiences with your partner from a place of adventure, creativity, and curiosity, and you’ll have a better chance to create connections with your partner that take your relationship or marriage from feeling okay to feeling good again.

If you’re struggling to move forward from the relationship crisis that brought you into couples therapy in the first place, this is a great thing to bring up in your next couples therapy session.

Not yet in couples therapy or marriage counseling but having a difficult time navigating a crisis or getting back to a good place? Reaching out for couples therapy could be a step in the right direction.

Article by Lindsay Poth, MA, LMFT Associate

Offering Couples Therapy in Austin, TX