What to Do When Your Partner Won’t Go to Therapy: Try This First

 

Relationships are central to our lives, providing connection, support, and love. Yet, even the strongest relationships can hit rough patches where everything feels “stuck.” Arguments may become repetitive, emotional distance may grow, or issues may persist despite attempts to address them. If this sounds familiar, you’re not alone. Individual therapy can be a transformative tool for breaking through these challenges, even if your partner isn’t ready to join you in therapy.

Common Signs Your Relationship Might Be Stuck

When a relationship feels stuck, it’s often due to underlying patterns or unresolved issues. These might include:

Communication breakdowns

  • Conversations might feel more like debates or accusations than meaningful exchanges.

Emotional disconnection

  • You may feel distant from your partner, even when spending time together.

Unresolved conflicts

  • Old arguments or hurts may linger beneath the surface, impacting trust and closeness.

Differing needs or priorities

  • You and your partner may struggle to align your goals or values.

While these challenges are common, they can leave you feeling helpless and unsure of how to move forward.

How Individual Therapy Can Help

Individual therapy isn’t just about addressing personal concerns; it’s also a powerful avenue for improving your relationships. Here’s how it can help:

Gaining Self-Awareness

Therapy provides a safe space to explore your thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. You can uncover patterns such as people-pleasing, conflict avoidance, or defensiveness that may be contributing to the dynamic in your relationship.

Developing Healthy Communication Skills

A therapist can help you identify ineffective communication habits and teach you new strategies for expressing your needs and listening to your partner.

Increasing Emotional Regulation Skills

If you feel overwhelmed by emotions like anger, sadness, or frustration, therapy can provide tools for regulation and reflection, helping you approach relationship challenges more calmly.

Healing Past Wounds

Unresolved personal or relational traumas can influence how you show up in your relationship. Therapy can help you process these experiences and reduce their impact on your present.

Building Boundaries and Confidence

If your relationship feels unbalanced or one-sided, therapy can help you establish healthy boundaries and advocate for your needs without guilt.

Why Choose a Relational Therapist for Individual Therapy?

Not all individual therapists approach relationship challenges in the same way. It’s crucial to work with a therapist trained in relational dynamics and systems theory if you’re seeking therapy due to relationship concerns. A therapist skilled in relational work will focus on understanding the full relationship system rather than simply reinforcing blame or encouraging separation. This helps you gain deeper insights into the patterns that keep your relationship stuck and empowers you to create positive change without just prematurely ending your relationship.

Can Individual Changes Improve the Relationship?

You might worry that working on your relationship alone won’t make a difference. However, change often begins with one person. As you grow and shift, the dynamics in your relationship can naturally start to transform. Your partner may even feel inspired to join you in therapy down the road.

When to Seek Individual Therapy

Consider reaching out to a therapist if:

  • You feel stuck or unhappy in your relationship.

  • Your attempts to improve the relationship haven’t worked.

  • You want to understand your role in the relationship dynamic.

  • You’re considering big decisions, such as whether to stay in the relationship.

Start Your Journey With Austin Relational Wellness

At Austin Relational Wellness, we understand the complexities of relationships and the courage it takes to seek help. Our experienced therapists are here to support you in navigating challenges, whether you’re seeking clarity, healing, or growth.

You don’t have to stay stuck. Taking the first step toward individual therapy can lead to meaningful change in yourself and potentially in your relationship.

Schedule a free 15-minute phone consult today to learn how we can help you move forward.

 

5 Books Every Couple Should Read This Summer: Couples Therapist Picks

 

As Summer approaches quickly, you may be looking for a poolside read, maybe something that is enriching and cultivating of your relationships. Reading a book on relationships with your partner can be an excellent way to spark meaningful conversations, provide shared language, and offer insight into intimacy, connection, and communication. It can also be illuminating to read about other relationships that are going through similar challenges to those you and your partner may be facing.

The following five books have been pivotal over the past five years in helping couples and therapists grow in their understanding of what makes relationships work. Whether you're navigating everyday stressors or hoping to reconnect on a deeper level, these reads can support your journey toward a more fulfilling partnership, enhancing your connection and intimacy.

1. The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John Gottman and Nan Silver (Updated Edition - 2019)

The Gottmans are leading voices in the world of couples counseling. Their principles, founded in decades of extensive research, have proven to help couples build strong, resilient relationships. Within this book, you’ll find tools for resolving conflict, building emotional intimacy, and strengthening the friendship at the heart of your partnership. With guided exercises and real-life examples, this book is a great place to begin your relational work.  

2. Fair Play by Eve Rodsky (2019)

No partnership is spared from household tasks and responsibilities. Rodsky refers to these as the “invisible load,” which can create added pressure and tension in a relationship. To address this issue, Rodsky develolped the Fair Play card system, which helps couples explore this invisible load and redistribute tasks more equitably. This system encourages communicating more openly about needs and everyday tasks. This book is great for working partners struggling to make sense of and achieve a better balance at home.


3. Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller (2018 Edition)

Understanding your attachment style is an important step in recognizing how you and partner relate to one another. This book breaks down the basics of secure, anxious, and avoidant attachment styles, providing clear examples and practical insights to help you build a healthier and more secure attachment and connection. It’s a helpful resource for anyone interested in exploring how past experiences may impact present day relational dynamics.

4. Come As You Are: The Surprising New Science That Will Transform Your Sex Life by Emily Nagoski (Revised Edition - 2021)

Sex and intimacy challenges are among the most common reasons people seek couples counseling. It’s a topic that can be vulnerable, confusing, and even lead toconflict. Within this book, Nagasaki explores, through both scientific insights and compassionate understanding, the dynamics of sexual responses, desire patterns, and the emotional connections to pleasure. She gently guides the reader to reframe sexual challenges not as problems but as opportunities for curiosity, communication, and increased emotional and physical intimacy. 

5. Us: Getting Past You and Me to Build a More Loving Relationship by Terrence Real (2022)

In this book, Terry Real explores the culture of individualism and how it undermines intimacy in our relationships. He reframes conflict and connection by emphasizing collaboration rather than competition for our needs to be met. Real helps identify and shift the perspective from “you and me” to “us.” This book offers a fresh perspective on vulnerability and cultivating empathy in our relationships. 

When to Take the Next Step and Start Couples Therapy

While books can’t replace the power of therapy, they can be an excellent tool to support reflection, growth, and meaningful conversations in your relationships. If you’re looking to go deeper, working with a couples therapist can provide the personalized support and guidance you need. Don’t hesitate to reach out and book a session with one of our specialized couples therapists—we’d be honored to support you on your journey toward a thriving relationship. 

Experienced couples therapist in Austin supporting relationship growth
 

5 Ways Couples Therapy Can Strengthen Your Relationship

 
Therapy session focused on building trust and communication in Austin couple

Maintaining a healthy relationship requires ongoing effort and commitment. All relationships can go through challenges, making it difficult to stay connected. During times of stress and disconnection, seeking guidance from couples therapy can offer a structured space to explore and work to strengthen your relationship. A common misconception of starting couples therapy is that therapy is only for relationships that are in disarray.

While couples therapy can be incredibly beneficial for times of stress to help regulate and de-escalate tension, it can also be used as a valuable tool for gaining a deeper understanding of yourself and your partner.

Couples therapy session in Austin focused on communication and connection

Here are just 5 ways that couples therapy can strengthen your relationship: 

  1. Gain a Deeper Understanding of Yourself and Your Partner

    One of the most impactful aspects of couples therapy is the opportunity to slow down and tune in to one another. In our busy lives, it’s easy to fall into autopilot and miss the chance for genuine connection. Couples therapy can help provide communication skills and an environment to help attune and learn to understand one another better. 

  2. Improve Communication in Your Relationship

    When we’re hurt or frustrated, it can be challenging to communicate effectively. Effective communication is at the heart of any strong relationship. In therapy, you acquire tools to express your feelings and needs clearly, even when emotions run high. Better communication not only leads to a deeper understanding of one another but also helps keep your emotional responses regulated, creating a calmer, more supportive interaction even during conflicts.

  3. Build Conflict Resolution Skills that Last

    Conflict is a natural part of every relationship. Sometimes, couples can feel stuck in repetitive patterns of distress, where even though the content changes, the same pattern reemerges, leading to increased tension. Couples therapy can help you break these patterns by equipping you with the tools and skills necessary to resolve and repair conflicts before they escalate to burnout or disconnection.

    For a deep dive into identifying and shifting unhelpful cycles, check out our post on Understanding Your Negative Pattern: What is Emotionally Focused Therapy.

  4. Deepen Trust and Emotional Safety with Your Partner

    In our relationships, we look to one another to understand whether we are available, responsive, and emotionally engaged. In couples therapy, you can learn how to create a safe and secure way of relating to one another, which helps foster trust and emotional safety within the relationship.

    Check out Unlock the Secret to a Stronger Marriage with the A.R.E. of EFT and Attachment Theory to explore using the A.R.E. framework (Accessibility, Responsiveness, and Engagement).

  5. Learn to Identify and Express Relationship Needs

    Expressing our needs in a relationship is essential to connection. However, articulating what we need and ensuring our partner understands can be challenging. Therapy can help you practice communicating your needs more effectively, ensuring that both partners are understood and heard, which can foster a more empathetic and responsive relationship.

Austin couples working on strengthening their relationship through therapy
Experienced couples therapist in Austin supporting relationship growth
 

Beyond Gifts: 5 Ways to Make This Valentine’s Day More Meaningful

 

Strengthen your relationship this Valentine’s Day… and everyday

Valentine’s Day often brings pressure—grand gestures, expensive gifts, and picture-perfect romance. But true intimacy isn’t built in a day; it’s nurtured through small, meaningful moments all year long. Instead of focusing on what you do this Valentine’s Day, consider how you connect with your partner in ways that truly matter. For some, seeking professional support through Austin couples therapy can help explore new ways of connecting and improving communication. However, you don’t always need couples therapy to nurture your relationship—small, thoughtful changes can make a big difference.

1. Prioritize Presence Over Perfection

Romance isn’t about an elaborate date or a perfectly written card—it’s about being present with your partner. This means putting down your phone, making eye contact, and truly listening. In Austin couples therapy, therapists often emphasize the importance of being emotionally and mentally present with your partner, and this can have a huge impact on your relationship. Quality time together doesn’t need to be grand—just uninterrupted.

2. Express Appreciation in a Way That Speaks to Them

Gifts and flowers are lovely, but real appreciation runs deeper. Does your partner light up when you express words of affirmation? Do they feel most loved through physical touch or quality time? Consider their “love language” and express your appreciation in a way that resonates with them.

3. Turn Toward, Not Away

John Gottman’s research highlights the importance of “turning toward” your partner instead of away. This means acknowledging small bids for connection—like responding when they share a funny meme, engaging when they vent about their day, or giving a quick hug when they walk in the door. These moments may seem insignificant, but they are the foundation of a strong relationship.

4. Have a ‘State of Our Union’ Conversation

Valentine’s Day can be a great time to reflect on your relationship. Consider setting aside 20–30 minutes to check in with each other. Ask questions like:

  • What’s been working well in our relationship lately?

  • Is there anything I can do to make you feel more loved or supported?

  • What’s a small change we can make together to improve our connection?

This isn’t about pointing out flaws but about reinforcing what’s going well and making intentional efforts to grow together.

5. Celebrate Love in Your Own Way

Not every couple resonates with the commercialized version of Valentine’s Day, and that’s okay. Maybe your ideal celebration is cooking dinner together, going on a hike, or simply taking a break from the chaos of daily life to relax together. Define what feels good for your relationship rather than what’s expected.

Love That Lasts Beyond One Day

Valentine’s Day can serve as a reminder to nurture your connection—not just today, but every day. The real magic happens in the small moments, the quiet understanding, and the commitment to showing up for each other even when life gets busy.

Building a meaningful connection takes time and effort, but the rewards are immeasurable. Whether you’re making small changes on your own or seeking professional support, like Austin couples therapy, investing in your relationship will help you and your partner grow closer. If you're ready to deepen your bond and improve communication, reach out to us today to explore how couples therapy can support your relationship.

Article by Hannah Eubank, LPC, LMFT

Contact us for Austin Couples Therapy through the link below

 

Unlock the Secret to a Stronger Marriage with the A.R.E. of EFT and Attachment Theory

 

What is EFT?

Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) utilizes attachment theory, which looks at the bonds one makes throughout life and the patterns of beliefs one holds about oneself and others. A secure bond fosters safety and connection, but experiences of disconnection can cause distressing patterns that challenge our ability to stay connected. 

EFT helps couples and individuals foster secure bonds with one another. At the heart of EFT lies the concept of A.R.E. — an acronym for Accessibility, Responsiveness, and Engagement.

Let's explore what A.R.E. means and ways it can enhance your relationship or marriage with the help of an EFT therapist.

Accessibility in EFT

Accessibility refers to availability and approachability. When you and your partner are accessible to one another, you are physically and emotionally available. This signals that you are a safe space to process challenges, fostering trust and deeper connection.

How to practice Accessibility: 

  • Set up daily time(s) to check in with one another, asking how the other is doing and offering emotional or physical support

  • When having check-ins, try to avoid multitasking 

  • When your partner is sharing vulnerabilities, use active listening skills through body language (i.e., maintaining eye contact, having an open posture, leaning in to listen)

Responsiveness in EFT

Have you ever experienced sharing something important with someone and felt they didn’t hear you or respond? This can be a pain point, and repeated unresponsiveness can create feelings of loneliness and disconnection. Responsiveness not only means actively listening to your partner but also validating their needs with empathy.

How to practice Responsiveness: 

  • Ask questions to gain clarity about your partner's needs (i.e., “What might be important for me to further understand?”)

  • Let your partner know that you acknowledge their emotions without judgment

  • Remain curious (i.e., “Can you tell me more about that?”)

Engagement in EFT

When partners are “engaged” with one another, they appear involved in each other's emotional lives and maintain a close connection. Secure partners seek to mutually understand the other person’s world and know them on a deeper level. Engagement fosters depth and mutual purpose. 

How to practice Engagement:

  • Express appreciation for your partner

  • Engage in activities you enjoy together regularly

Whether you are seeking to grow in your relationship with your partner, a family member, or a friend, A.R.E. is an actionable way to begin to transform your relationship or marriage into a deeper and more secure connection.

Reach out to Austin Relational Wellness to begin individual or couples therapy in Austin with an EFT therapist. Our EFT therapists can help you foster accessibility, responsiveness, and engagement and ultimately enhance your relationships.

Related:

 

Meet Austin Couples Therapist Lauren Little

 

Tell us a little about your background as a therapist…

Hello there! My name is Lauren Little, and I am an Austin, TX-based Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (LMFT) Associate seeing individuals, couples, and other relational units. As an Austin couples therapist, I work with a variety of clients and draw on my training in several therapeutic models, including Attachment Theory, Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), Gottman Method Couples Therapy, and Internal Family Systems (IFS). Additionally, I have received specific training in grief and loss, spiritual harm and religious trauma, and sex therapy. 

Why did you choose to become a therapist?

For the past decade, I have worked as a pediatric nurse caring for patients and their families facing chronic and terminal illnesses. My passion has always been to offer compassionate, holistic care. Over time, I found myself especially drawn to the mental health side of caring for others. My own experience in therapy has had a profound impact on me and ultimately inspired me to pursue graduate school. I went on to complete my Master’s in Counseling at Texas State University and pursued additional counseling training for couples therapy and other populations, further deepening my commitment to helping others on their healing journey.

What are you passionate about in the therapy room?

My training reflects the many passions that led me to become a therapist. As an Austin couples therapist, I am especially passionate about working with couples and individuals who seek deeper intimacy within their relationships and wish to overcome challenges in emotional and physical connection. I enjoy working with clients who desire a deeper understanding of themselves and their relationships with others.

Additionally, I am deeply committed to supporting clients who have experienced grief or loss, addressing the many aspects of life that can be impacted by these experiences. I am also particularly passionate about working with individuals who have experienced spiritual harm or religious abuse, helping them heal and rebuild a healthy sense of self.

In my work with individuals, I am dedicated to supporting those navigating life transitions, managing anxiety and depression, and those who may have experienced trauma or have developmental trauma histories.

Beyond the therapy space, what do you enjoy?

Outside of sessions, I cherish time with my husband and our baby girl. Together we love exploring Austin and find joy in the food and coffee scene. Catching live music or sitting down to a meal with family and friends are other favorite activities. If I’m not doing these things, I enjoy a good yoga flow, getting lost in a book, or finishing a sewing project. I am currently working on a quilt and learning how to two-step!

Looking for an Austin couples therapist or individual therapist? Reach out to Lauren to schedule a free 15-minute phone consult!

 

The Attach Phase: Creating Connection and Safety with the Gottman Method

 

Welcome to the final post in our series on the Gottman Method for affair recovery (aka, Gottman Trust Revival Method). If you’ve been following along with this series, you’re already familiar with the first two phases: Atone and Attune. These phases guide couples through the raw, painful emotions following the discovery of an affair and help them begin to understand and empathize with each other. Now, we’re moving into the third and final phase: Attach. 

Understanding the Attach Phase in the Gottman Method for Affair Recovery

Attachment is about reconnecting and reestablishing emotional safety. This phase focuses on deepening your emotional bond and reigniting intimacy, both physical and emotional. It's where the focus shifts to building a relationship that can withstand future challenges, deepening the bond that may have been neglected or damaged over time. 

By the time a couple reaches the Attachment phase, they’ve already worked through the initial stages of shock and anger in the Atone phase and learned to understand what led to the affair in the Attune phase. Now, they face the ultimate challenge—rebuilding emotional and physical intimacy. This is where couples explore what it means to reconnect in a vulnerable, yet deeply loving, way.

Key Components of the Attach Phase 

  1. Rebuilding Emotional Trust 

    Trust is the foundation of any relationship, and after an affair, trust can feel shattered. In this phase, the betrayed partner begins to feel safe enough to trust again, while the partner who had the affair demonstrates reliability and emotional availability. Both partners must continue being transparent, compassionate, and honest with each other. 

    Therapeutically, this might involve exercises designed to enhance emotional safety, such as learning to express vulnerabilities and meeting each other’s emotional needs. These are crucial skills that can help prevent future betrayals and misunderstandings. 

  2. Reigniting Physical Intimacy 

    One of the most sensitive aspects of affair recovery is the re-establishment of physical intimacy. Physical connection is often tied to feelings of safety, trust, and emotional closeness, all of which have likely been severely affected by the affair. 

    In therapy, couples are encouraged to discuss their fears, desires, and boundaries openly when it comes to physical intimacy. This process can help repair the sexual bond, but it’s important to understand that for some couples, this part of the recovery may take time. The goal is to help couples feel emotionally connected again before focusing on physical closeness. 

  3. Creating Shared Meaning & Future Goals 

    Affair recovery is not just about healing from the betrayal; it’s about rebuilding a relationship that is meaningful and resilient. In the Attachment phase, couples are encouraged to create shared meaning in their relationship—identifying common goals, values, and dreams for the future. This is the time to discuss what each partner needs to feel secure and connected, as well as how to continue building a relationship that honors both partners' needs.

  4. Establishing a New Relationship Narrative 

    Part of moving forward involves redefining the story of your relationship. The affair will always be part of your shared history, but in the Attachment phase, couples work on creating a new narrative—one that acknowledges the past without being defined by it.

    Couples may need to reframe the affair in a way that allows for healing and growth rather than letting it overshadow all the positive aspects of the relationship. This narrative-building can help both partners feel that they are writing the next chapter of their story together. 

Rebuilding Attachment After Infidelity

Attachment doesn’t happen overnight, and the wounds from infidelity don’t heal on a set timeline. For many couples, the attachment phase is where true reconciliation occurs, but it requires continued commitment from both partners. Vulnerability, patience, and the willingness to explore emotional and physical connection are key to making this phase successful. 

Rebuilding attachment after an affair isn’t just about fixing what's broken—it’s about creating something new and enduring. While the road to recovery is long and complex, therapy can offer the tools, support, and guidance needed to navigate this difficult journey.

Contact us today to schedule a free 15-minute phone consultation and set up a couples therapy appointment to begin healing your relationship.

 

The Attune Phase: Rebuilding Trust After Infidelity with the Gottman Method

 

In the first post of this series on the Gottman Method for Couples Therapy affair recovery model—also referred to as the Gottman Trust Revival Method—I delved into the essence of this transformative approach created by Drs. John and Julie Gottman. Designed to guide couples through the deep emotional pain of infidelity, this structured model offers a pathway to healing and rebuilding trust.

In the second blog post in this series, we delved into the first phase in couples therapy for affair recovery: Atonement. This is a crucial phase where the couple begins to address the initial shock and emotional trauma of the affair. It involves acknowledging the betrayal, expressing genuine remorse, and allowing space for the hurt partner to express their pain. As challenging as this phase can be, it's a necessary foundation for the healing journey ahead. 

In this post, we move into the second phase: Attunement. This phase is about rebuilding the emotional connection between partnerss well as learning to understand each other deeply, listening with empathy, and validating feelings without defensiveness or dismissiveness. This phase is where the true rebuilding of trust and intimacy begins. 

Understanding the Attune Phase in the Gottman Method for Affair Recovery

The Attunement phase is about rebuilding emotional trust and understanding between partners. After the initial phase of "Atonement," where the betrayed partner's pain and anger are acknowledged and validated, Phase 2 shifts the focus to fostering empathy, open communication, and emotional connection. This phase is not just about talking through the infidelity or affair but truly understanding each other's feelings and experiences at a deeper level. 

Key Components of the Attune Phase 

  1. Deep Conversations: During this phase, couples are guided to have meaningful conversations about their relationship, including what led to the infidelity and the impact it had on both partners. These conversations are designed to help the couple understand not just the surface-level details but the underlying emotional needs that were unmet.

  2. Building a Culture of Appreciation: The Gottman Method emphasizes the importance of fostering positive interactions and building a culture of appreciation and respect. This involves recognizing and verbalizing the things each partner values in the other, which can help to rebuild the couple's emotional intimacy.

  3. Learning to Self-Soothe: Part of the healing process involves learning how to manage one's own emotions and self-soothe during difficult conversations. This skill is essential for avoiding emotional flooding, which at times may lead to defensive behavior and further conflict.

  4. Practicing Effective Conflict Management: The attunement phase also includes learning how to manage conflicts constructively. This means addressing issues in a way that promotes understanding and resolution rather than escalating tension.

Common Challenges in the Attunement Phase 

While this phase is crucial for healing, it’s not without its challenges. It’s normal for couples to feel overwhelmed by the intensity of the emotions involved. Here are a few common hurdles that might occur during the attunement phase: 

  1. Fear of Reopening Wounds: Many couples fear that discussing the infidelity in-depth will only reopen wounds. However, not talking about it can prevent healing. Therapy provides a structured environment where these conversations can happen safely.

  2. Difficulty in Understanding Each Other: Sometimes, one partner might struggle to understand the other’s feelings or perspective. This is where guided exercises and therapeutic techniques can help foster empathy and understanding.

  3. Temptation to Rush the Process: The healing process cannot be rushed. It’s important for both partners to move at a pace that feels right for them. Trying to push through this phase too quickly can lead to unresolved issues resurfacing later.

Moving Forward Together: Infidelity & Affair Recovery 

Attunement is a pivotal phase in the Gottman Method for affair recovery. It’s where couples often start to turn towards each other again, rebuilding their emotional connection and trust. If you’re considering therapy for infidelity or affair recovery, know that this phase is a journey—one that requires patience, effort, and a willingness to be vulnerable. But it’s also a journey that can lead to profound healing and a stronger, more resilient relationship.

Reach out today to schedule a free 15-minute phone consultation and schedule a couples therapy appointment to get on your way toward healing your relationship.

 

How Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) Strengthens Relationships: Applying Attachment Theory to Couples Therapy

 

Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) is a type of therapy that focuses on helping individuals and couples understand and regulate their emotions to improve their relationships. EFT is a couples therapy model developed by psychologists Sue Johnson and Les Greenberg in the 1980s. The model draws on attachment theory, which suggests humans have an innate need for connection and emotional bonding with others.

More about Attachment Theory

Attachment theory is a psychological theory that explains how humans form emotional bonds with others, especially during early childhood. British psychoanalyst, John Bowlby, developed the theory in the 1950s, and other researchers, such as Mary Ainsworth and Mary Main, have since expanded upon it.

The basic premise of attachment theory is that humans have an innate need for emotional bonding and security. These needs are met through close relationships with caregivers, such as parents or other primary caregivers. Bowlby believed that infants and young children develop an internal working model based on their experiences with their caregivers and that this model shapes their future relationships and behaviors.

Attachment theory suggests that early experiences with caregivers can shape an individual's attachment style and that attachment styles can change over time based on new relationship experiences. Understanding attachment theory can help build stronger relationships and improve emotional regulation and communication skills.

EFT & Attachment Theory

In EFT, couples therapists work with clients to identify and express their emotions and needs in a safe and supportive environment. Through this process, clients can gain a deeper understanding of their own emotions and their partner's, leading to increased empathy and intimacy in the relationship.

EFT is shown to be effective for a variety of relationship problems, including communication difficulties, conflict, infidelity, affair recovery, disconnection, and emotional distance. EFT has also been used to treat individual issues such as depression, anxiety, and post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).

How is EFT Different from other Couples Therapy Models

Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) differs from other couples therapy models in several ways. Here are some of the main differences:

  1. Focus on emotions: EFT strongly emphasizes emotions and how they impact relationships. An EFT couples therapist helps clients identify and express their emotions in a safe and supportive environment, which can lead to deeper understanding and connection with their partners.

  2. Attachment-based: EFT is based on attachment theory, which emphasizes the importance of emotional bonding and security in relationships. EFT couples therapists help clients to identify their attachment styles and work to strengthen their emotional bonds with their partners.

  3. Short-term: EFT is typically a short-term couples therapy that involves between 8 and 20 sessions. The focus is on addressing the immediate issues in the relationship and helping clients to develop skills that they can use outside of couples therapy.

  4. Structured approach: EFT is a structured approach that involves specific steps and interventions. The couples therapist helps clients to identify negative patterns in their relationship and works to replace them with more positive and adaptive patterns.

  5. Involvement of the partner: EFT involves the partner in the couples therapy process, rather than just focusing on the individual. The therapist works to create a safe and supportive environment for both partners to express their emotions and needs.

Overall, EFT is a highly effective model of couples therapy and individual therapy that has been shown to be successful in treating a wide range of relationship issues. Its focus on emotions, attachment, and structured approach make it a unique and valuable tool for couples seeking to improve their relationships.

Article by Cat van der Westhuizen, LPC, LMFT

Offering Austin Couples Therapy and Individual Counseling

 

The Atone Phase: The Essential First Step in Affair Recovery in the Gottman Method

 

In my first post in this series regarding the Gottman Method Couples Therapy affair recovery model (aka, Gottman Trust Revival Method), I discussed an overview of this structured approach, designed by Drs. John and Julie Gottman to help couples heal from the deep wounds inflicted by infidelity. In this second blog post in this series, I will delve into the first crucial couples therapy for affair recovery phase: Atone. Infidelity is a profound breach of trust, often leaving the betrayed partner feeling shattered and the unfaithful partner engulfed in guilt and shame. The Atone phase is designed to address these intense emotions, setting the stage for genuine healing and reconciliation. Let’s explore what this phase entails and why it’s essential for your journey towards recovery. 

Understanding the Atone Phase in the Gottman Method for Affair Recovery

The Atone phase is all about addressing the immediate emotional fallout of the affair. This phase is critical as it sets the foundation for the healing process. Here’s what you can expect in this phase:

Key Components of the Atone Phase 

  1. Acknowledgment and Responsibility: The first step in atonement is for the unfaithful partner to fully acknowledge the affair and take responsibility for their actions. This means no excuses, no blame-shifting, and no minimizing the impact of the betrayal. Genuine acknowledgment shows the betrayed partner that their pain is seen and validated. 

  2. Expressing Remorse and Apology: A heartfelt apology goes beyond simply saying “I’m sorry.” It involves expressing genuine remorse and understanding the depth of the hurt caused. This includes acknowledging specific ways the affair has affected the betrayed partner emotionally, mentally, and sometimes even physically. 

  3. Open and Honest Communication: Transparency is crucial in this phase. The unfaithful partner must be willing to answer questions and provide details about the affair to help the betrayed partner make sense of what happened. This can be an incredibly painful process but is necessary for rebuilding trust. 

  4. Empathy and Understanding: Empathy involves truly listening to the betrayed partner’s feelings and showing a deep understanding of their pain. It’s important for the unfaithful partner to recognize and validate these feelings without becoming defensive or dismissive. 

  5. Setting Boundaries and Creating Safety: To begin rebuilding trust, both partners must agree on clear boundaries and actions to ensure the affair is truly over and will not happen again. This might include transparency with phones and social media, regular check-ins, and agreeing to avoid situations that might lead to temptation. 

The Role of the Betrayed Partner 

While the primary focus of the Atone phase is on the actions of the unfaithful partner, the betrayed partner also has a crucial role. It’s important to express your feelings and needs clearly, ask questions, and seek the reassurance necessary for your healing. However, it’s equally vital to recognize that immediate forgiveness is not a requirement at this stage. Healing takes time, and the atone phase is just the beginning. 

The atone phase is a challenging yet vital part of the affair recovery journey. It requires immense courage and vulnerability from both partners. By fully engaging in this phase, you lay the groundwork for the subsequent phases: Attune and Attach, where deeper emotional healing and reconnection will occur. 

If you’re considering starting couples therapy for affair recovery, know that you’re taking a brave step toward healing. The road may feel long and tough, but with the right guidance and commitment, affair recovery and even a renewed relationship are possible. Reach out to me today to schedule a free phone consultation and get started on your healing journey.