Contempt
In our initial blog post, we introduced The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, as outlined in Dr. Gottman and Nan Silver's book, The Seven Principles of Making Marriage Work – criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. To delve deeper into these harmful relationship patterns, this post will examine contempt.
What is contempt?
Contempt involves an attitude of superiority and disrespect towards the partner, often manifesting through sarcasm, mockery, or name-calling. Expressions of contempt might include eye-rolling, using demeaning language, or belittling the partner's opinions or interests. Contempt conveys a lack of regard for the other person's feelings and erodes the foundation of trust and intimacy.
Scenario showing contempt in a relationship
Will and Brett’s relationship had become strained due to their ongoing, stressful conflicts. In the last few months, their disagreements had started to include some contemptuous communication, and both of them were becoming more unhappy in their relationship. Their latest fight was over their upcoming summer vacation plans – which should have been a positive discussion to have.
Brett expressed his desire to go to the beach since they had gone on several consecutive hiking vacations in the mountains over the last couple years. When Will said he wanted to go back to the mountains, Brett replied, “That’s not happening. We just did that last year. You aren’t ever able to slow down and relax…or agree to do what I want to do. I really don’t understand why we always have to go, go, go, on vacation all the time.”
Will, feeling dismissed, replied, “You're just being lazy as usual {and rolled his eyes}. It's pathetic how you don’t want to get out and appreciate nature. You only want to do nothing and lounge in the sun."
In this scenario, contempt was evident in Will's response. He not only disagreed with Brett's preference but also insulted him by implying that Brett was lazy and incapable of appreciating the outdoors.
What is the antidote to contempt? A simple practice to stop contempt in its tracks
To combat contempt, Gottman recommends building a culture of appreciation and respect in the relationship. Couples should actively nurture fondness and admiration for each other. Instead of contemptuous behavior, express appreciation and gratitude, regularly. Replace sarcastic remarks with kind and affirming words to help restore mutual respect and emotional closeness.
How could this interaction have gone differently?
In response, Brett could have acknowledged Will's feelings and attempted to find a middle ground for their vacation plans. This alternative approach would have strengthened their ability to have healthier communication and allowed them to work together to resolve their differences.
Do you recognize contempt showing up in your relationship? Relationship counseling can help. Contact us for a free phone consultation and start the process of repairing your relationship.
Article by Lindsay Poth, MA, LMFT Associate
Offering Austin Relationship Counseling + Gottman Couples Counseling