How Active Listening Can Transform Conflict in Your Relationship

 

Have you ever been in an argument with your partner and found your body tense, heart racing, only to realize later that both you and your partner never really solved the problem or listened to one another?

You are not alone. 

Why Conflict Feels So Overwhelming

When emotions rise, our bodies do what they’re wired to do: protect, defend, shut down, or flee. In these moments, it becomes harder to communicate and listen effectively because we’re in a fight-or-flight response. This often leads to a breakdown in communication, leaving both partners feeling misunderstood, lonely, or unseen.

And yet, it’s in these very moments, when it feels hardest, that the skill of active listening matters most.

What It Means to Practice Active Listening

Active listening is a way of showing connection in the most difficult of times. It doesn’t mean being passive or agreeable. In fact, it’s quite the opposite. Remaining present in conflict takes immense courage.

Active listening is a skill that’s built like a muscle. Many of us did not gain these skills from a safe other who modeled how to stay present when emotions ran high. It’s no wonder this skill gets brushed off as “simple,” but in truth, it’s one of the most challenging to practice when you're activated or escalated in an argument.

It requires slowing down, regulating your nervous system, releasing the need to control the outcome, and choosing connection in the middle of the storm.

What a task!

Ways to Begin Growing in Active Listening

Pause and Breathe

  • Slowing down your body's fight-or-flight response gives you the opportunity to move from reacting to responding.

  • Try taking 5 deep breaths to help you get into a more manageable emotional space.

Reflect Before You React

  • Active listening means focusing on what your partner is saying instead of preparing your comeback. Slowing down helps you listen to understand, not just to respond reactively.

  • Try saying: “What I hear you saying is...” instead of, “That’s not what happened!”

    👉 Related Reading: Defensiveness: Stop Blaming Your Partner and Start Taking Responsibility

Validate Feelings

  • Acknowledging emotions builds connection. Even if you disagree with the story, you can still validate how your partner is feeling.

  • Try saying: “I can see why that would feel painful.”

Repair When You Miss It

How Active Listening Builds Connection in Relationships

Practicing active listening does not remove conflict from your marriage or relationship, but it can help change the way you have conflict. We all have moments when we’re reactive and things don’t go the way we hoped. But the skill of returning to presence, again and again, is what builds connection and security. It becomes part of the foundation for a lifelong, resilient relationship.

Next Steps: Building Lasting Relationship Skills Together

We can learn these skills with one another. If you’re starting this work solo, you may want to read Taking the First Step: Navigating Relationship Challenges on Your Own. If you and your partner would like support in learning how to build active listening and communication skills, we at Austin Relational Wellness would love to walk alongside you in this journey. Book a session today and take the first step toward a healthier, more connected relationship.

 

Stonewalling: Why the Silent Treatment Doesn’t Work & What to Do Instead

 

Stonewalling

In the post, Four Behaviors in a Marriage that Predict Divorce: Gottman’s Four Horsemen, we explained The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, as outlined in Dr. Gottman and Nan Silver's book 'The Seven Principles of Making Marriage Work' and used in couples and marriage counseling – criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. To deepen our understanding of these unhealthy relationship patterns, this final post in the series will focus on the concept of stonewalling.

What is stonewalling?

Stonewalling occurs when one partner is feeling overwhelmed or flooded with emotions, leading to a withdrawal from the conversation, emotional shutdown, or refusal to engage. During stonewalling, one partner may become silent, avoid eye contact, or physically leave the room. Stonewalling creates emotional distance and frustration for the other partner.

Scenario showing stonewalling

Parker and Courtney have two young children. They have noticed that, as their kids are getting older, they fight more frequently about how to parent them. In the last couple months, after what feels like the same repeating fights, stonewalling has become a part of their negative communication cycle.

Just last week, the couple found themselves in a tense conversation about their parenting styles. Realizing that they needed to keep talking about the issue, Courtney approached Parker in the kitchen, saying, "I think you and I need to find a way to some middle ground with how we parent kids… don’t you think?”

Parker just shook his head and walked away from her, without saying a word.

Courtney was suddenly in the kitchen by herself. She tried to call out after Parker, but he just ignored her.

What is the antidote to stonewalling?

Gottman recommends that if either partner feels too emotionally overwhelmed or charged, they should share that information and ask to have the conversation at another time. When taking a break is necessary, it's important to set a specific time to return to the discussion. During the time apart, each partner should focus on self-soothing activities. The goal of this intervention is to return to the conversation with a clearer mind, regulated emotions, and a more intentional approach to resolving the issue.

How could this interaction have gone differently?

Instead of just leaving the room and ignoring Courtney, Parker could have shared that he was feeling overwhelmed or frustrated and asked to have the conversation at another time. Courtney would have then had the opportunity to acknowledge Parker's request and agree to revisit the discussion when they were both in a better state of mind. 

Do you or your partner tend to stonewall during an argument? Marriage counseling can help. Contact us for a free phone consultation and start the process of repairing your marriage or relationship.

Article by Lindsay Poth, MA, LMFT Associate

Offering Austin Marriage Counseling + Gottman Method Couples Counseling

 

Defensiveness: Stop Blaming Your Partner & Start Taking Responsibility

 

Defensiveness

The first entry in our blog series, Four Behaviors in a Marriage that Predict Divorce: Gottman’s Four Horsemen, detailed The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, a concept noted in Dr. Gottman and Nan Silver's The Seven Principles of Making Marriage Work – these include criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. To gain a better understanding of these detrimental relational dynamics, this post will concentrate on defensiveness – a common issue that comes up in couples counseling.

What is defensiveness?

Defensiveness is a natural response when one feels attacked or criticized. This becomes problematic when this reaction becomes a default mode of communication. Instead of accepting responsibility and trying to understand the other person’s perspective, there is usually a counterattack or deflection of blame.

Scenario showing defensiveness

For the last several weeks, June and Marty had been trying to navigate a perpetual issue in their marriage, and they both had noticed that the other had become very defensive when the topic came up.

Most days, after a meal, June would notice that Marty would leave his dirty dishes in the sink. One day she said, “I've asked you so many times to wash your dishes after you eat. It's like you never listen to me or care about my feelings. I just don’t get it."

Marty, feeling attacked, responded with, "Well, I'm not the only one who leaves dishes lying around. You do it too. I'm not the only one with the issue here."

June felt unheard and really didn’t like that Marty was throwing the responsibility back on her, so she said, "Yes, I may occasionally leave a dish in the sink, but that's not the point. I'm talking about your habit of doing it all the time, every day. You’re avoiding the issue."

Marty continued to try to justify his behavior by saying, "Well, you're making it sound like I'm a slob or something. I don't see what the big deal is."

The conversation had quickly devolved into a back-and-forth exchange where they weren’t resolving the issue and each of them was becoming more frustrated and defensive.

What is the antidote to defensiveness?

Gottman's remedy for defensiveness involves taking responsibility for your part in the conflict, trying to listen to your partner's perspective, and acknowledging their feelings. If you respond like this, you can shift the conversation from a negative communication loop into a more constructive dialogue, increasing the chances of resolution.

How could this interaction have gone differently?

To address the situation more constructively, Marty could have responded differently, acknowledging June's concerns and taking responsibility for his actions. In response, June could have then expressed appreciation for Marty's willingness to acknowledge her concern and suggested they work together to find a solution to the problem.

The remedy for defensiveness in a marriage sounds simple, but it’s not so easy to actually put into practice. Couples counseling can help. A couples counselor can spot defensiveness, make you aware of the cycle you’re caught in, and help you move toward greater acceptance of responsibility and understanding in your relationship. Contact us to be matched with a couples counselor who uses the Gottman Method to get started!

Article by Lindsay Poth, MA, LMFT Associate

Offering Austin Couples Counseling + Gottman Method Couples Counseling