You’re Saying Sorry the Wrong Way: A Therapist’s Guide to Real Apologies

 

As a licensed couples therapist in Austin, one of the most common hurdles we tackle in couples therapy and that I see in relationships in general is the struggle to offer—and receive—a genuine, real apology. Maybe you’ve been there: You or your partner says “sorry,” but the tension doesn’t go away. Or you hear an apology that somehow leaves you feeling even less understood.

You wonder, Why doesn’t that count? Isn’t saying sorry enough?

For many people, the act of apologizing feels vulnerable, confusing, or even threatening. Maybe you didn’t grow up seeing healthy apologies modeled in the relationships or marriages around you. Maybe you equate apologizing with admitting you're a bad person. Or maybe you're not sure what a real apology is supposed to sound like. 

Let’s break down what an effective apology is (and isn’t), and walk through some practical tips on how to apologize in a relationship the right way—so your words can actually foster healing, reconnection, and emotional intimacy.

1. Start With Clear, Direct Responsibility 

An effective apology names what happened—clearly and without defensiveness. 

Example: “I snapped at you during our conversation, and I can see that it hurt you.” 

Not: “I’m sorry if I upset you.” 

That little word “if” can make your partner feel like their reaction is the problem. When in doubt, drop qualifiers and name your behavior. 

2. Acknowledge the Emotional Impact with Empathy

Take a moment to reflect on how your actions made your partner feel. Then say it out loud.

Example: “I imagine it felt really invalidating when I dismissed your concerns.” 

This shows that you’re not just checking a box—you’re tapping into empathy and trying to understand their experience. This deepens emotional intimacy and helps your partner feel understood.

3. Avoid Defensiveness and Excuses 

It’s tempting to justify your actions, especially if you didn’t mean to hurt your partner. But remember: intent does not cancel out impact. 

Example: “Even though I was feeling overwhelmed, it wasn’t okay to take it out on you.” 

Not: “I was just stressed. You were being really intense.” 

Responsibility and context can co-exist. A good apology owns what happened and saves the explanation for later, if your partner asks for it. 

4. Express Genuine Regret 

Let your partner know that you care about the hurt your actions caused—not just that it caused conflict, but that it hurt them personally. 

Example: “It really bothers me to know that I made you feel alone. That’s the last thing I want.”

This is the emotional glue of a meaningful apology. It fosters connection and helps rebuild emotional intimacy and safety.

5. Commit to Change 

Even the most heartfelt apology will fall flat if the behavior keeps repeating. Talk about what you’ll do differently next time. 

Example: “Next time I feel overwhelmed, I’ll ask for a break instead of shutting down.” 

You don’t have to be perfect, but effort matters. Apologies create trust when they’re backed by action. That’s the core of true relationship repair.

6. Give Your Partner Space to Respond 

A good apology is not a monologue—it’s the start of a dialogue. After you’ve apologized, give your partner a chance to express how they feel. Don’t rush to move on or expect instant forgiveness. 

Example: “Is there anything else you want me to understand?”

TL;DR: How to Apologize in a Relationship the Right Way

An effective apology has five key ingredients: 

  1. Clarity – State what you did. 

  2. Empathy – Acknowledge the hurt. 

  3. Ownership – No excuses or blame. 

  4. Regret – Show you care about the impact. 

  5. Repair – Commit to doing better. 

A real apology isn’t just about saying the words—it’s about taking ownership, showing empathy, and making the other person feel seen and valued. Sincere apologies don’t just fix problems—they build emotional intimacy.

They say: I see you. I hear you. You matter to me. 

If you or your partner struggle with apologies or with communication in general, couples therapy can be a safe space to explore these patterns and build new ones.

Looking for Austin couples therapy? We're here to help you reconnect.

 

What to Expect in Your First Couples Therapy Session in Austin

 

Deciding to begin couples therapy is a big step—one that takes courage, commitment, and a shared desire for growth. Whether you and your partner are facing a specific challenge or simply want to strengthen your relationship, that first therapy session can feel like a mix of hope and uncertainty. As a licensed marriage and family therapist, I want to help you feel prepared and confident about what to expect during your first couples therapy session. 

What Happens in Your First Couples Therapy Session 

Your initial session serves as a foundation for your therapy journey. It’s an opportunity for you, your partner, and your therapist to establish trust, set expectations, and begin to understand the dynamics of your relationship. Here’s what typically happens: 

1. Introductions and Creating a Safe Space 

Your therapist will begin by introducing themselves and outlining their approach to therapy. They will also discuss confidentiality and how therapy sessions will be conducted. The goal is to create a safe and supportive environment where both partners feel heard and respected. 

2. Understanding Your Relationship Story 

Your therapist will ask questions about your relationship history—how you met, significant milestones, and what has brought you to therapy at this time. This helps the therapist get a sense of your dynamic, strengths, and challenges. 

3. Identifying Your Therapy Goals

Together, you and your partner will discuss what you hope to gain from therapy. Are you looking to improve communication? Rebuild trust? Strengthen intimacy? Understanding your couples therapy goals helps the therapist tailor the sessions to your unique needs. 

4. Establishing a Plan for Future Sessions 

Before wrapping up, your therapist will discuss the structure of future sessions and what you can expect moving forward. This may include setting up a schedule for sessions, discussing the couples therapist's therapeutic approach, and outlining strategies to work on between sessions. The goal is to ensure both partners feel comfortable and committed to the process. 

Common Concerns About Starting Couples Therapy

It’s natural to have concerns before starting therapy. Here are a few common ones: 

● What if we disagree during the session? That’s okay! The therapist is there to help navigate conflicts in a productive way. 

● Will the therapist take sides? No. A licensed couples therapist remains neutral, ensuring both partners feel validated and heard. 

● What if one of us is hesitant about therapy? It’s common for one partner to be more eager than the other. The therapist will work to create a comfortable space for both of you to engage in the process at your own pace. 

Moving Forward Together: Next Steps After Your First Couples Therapy Session

The first session is just the beginning. Couples therapy is a journey that takes time, effort, and patience. With an open mind and a willingness to grow, you and your partner can create a stronger, healthier relationship. 

If you’re considering couples therapy, I encourage you to take that first step with curiosity and hope. The path to deeper connection starts with one conversation at a time.

 

Beyond the Bedroom: A Therapist's Perspective on Building Emotional Intimacy in Couples Therapy

 

Intimacy is one of the most important aspects of a healthy, fulfilling relationship—yet it is also one of the most complex and sensitive topics couples navigate. Whether you are facing emotional disconnection, differences in sexual desire, or challenges in physical closeness, discussing intimacy concerns in couples therapy can be a transformative step toward deeper connection and understanding. If you and your partner are considering couples therapy to explore intimacy, here’s what to expect and how to approach this important conversation. 

Understanding Intimacy Beyond the Physical 

When many couples think about intimacy, they often focus on the physical or sexual aspects. While physical closeness, including sex, is a key component, true intimacy extends beyond the bedroom. Emotional intimacy—feeling seen, heard, and valued by your partner—is just as essential. Many couples struggle with intimacy because emotional barriers, unresolved conflicts, or external stressors make it difficult to connect on a deeper level. 

Creating a Safe Space for Vulnerability 

Talking about intimacy can feel uncomfortable, especially if past conversations have led to misunderstandings or hurt feelings. One of the biggest benefits of couples therapy is the creation of a safe, neutral space where both partners can express their thoughts and feelings without fear of judgment or blame. 

A couples therapist helps facilitate these conversations with care, ensuring that both partners feel heard and understood. Couples therapy is not about taking sides but about fostering open, honest communication that leads to mutual growth and healing.

Identifying and Overcoming Barriers 

Many factors can contribute to intimacy concerns in a relationship. Some common barriers include: 

  • Unresolved conflicts – Lingering resentment or unspoken frustrations can create emotional distance. 

  • Mismatched desire levels – Differences in libido or sexual needs can lead to feelings of rejection or pressure when discussing sex. 

  • Past trauma or negative experiences – Previous experiences, whether from childhood or past relationships, can shape one’s comfort level with intimacy. 

  • Life stressors – Work, parenting, financial stress, or health concerns can impact emotional and physical connection.

In couples therapy, we work together to identify these barriers and develop strategies to address them in a way that feels safe and supportive for both partners. 

Rebuilding Connection Through Communication 

A major focus of intimacy work in couples therapy is improving communication. Many couples struggle to talk about their needs and desires because they fear rejection or conflict. Couples therapy can help provide tools to communicate in ways that foster connection rather than distance. 

Some techniques that can be helpful include: 

  • Using “I” statements – Expressing feelings in a way that focuses on personal experience rather than blame (e.g., “I feel disconnected when we don’t spend quality time together” instead of “You never make time for me”). 

  • Active listening – Truly hearing and validating your partner’s feelings before responding.

  • Reframing intimacy as a shared experience – Approaching intimacy as a journey you are on together, rather than an obligation or expectation.

Taking Small Steps Toward Greater Intimacy 

Intimacy is not something that changes overnight, but small, intentional actions can make a significant impact. Therapy often includes guided exercises or homework assignments that encourage couples to rebuild their connection outside of sessions. This might include non-sexual touch, expressing appreciation more frequently, or scheduling intentional time together without distractions. 

By approaching intimacy as an evolving process, rather than a problem to fix, couples can cultivate a deeper, more fulfilling connection over time. 

Is Couples Therapy Right for You? 

If you and your partner are struggling with emotional or physical intimacy, seeking couples therapy is a proactive and compassionate step toward understanding each other more deeply. No matter where you are in your relationship, therapy can provide the tools, support, and guidance needed to foster a healthier, more connected partnership. 

Intimacy concerns are normal in long-term relationships, and addressing them with openness and curiosity can lead to greater closeness and fulfillment. If you’re considering couples therapy, know that you’re not alone—and that meaningful change is possible with the right support.

 

3 Types of Problems Partners Face in Couples Therapy

 

In a previous blog post, Why Couples Have the Same Arguments Over & Over Again, we discussed how couples can find themselves in recurring conflict. According to Gottman Method Couples Therapy, generally, relational conflict includes one of three types of problems – solvable problems, perpetual problems, or a subtype of perpetual problems, called gridlocked problems. We posed three questions, and this month, we’ll address the second of these questions.

Question 2: Will we ever be able to solve this problem?

The quick answer to this question is… maybe. To analyze this further, let’s look at a few example scenarios that sometimes come up in couples therapy, where a couple is arguing about yard work.

Can you spot what type of problem the couple is dealing with?

What are the important differences in these scenarios?

Base scenario in Couples Therapy:

Kate and Danny have been married for six years. They are currently in an argument over Danny’s lack of attention to their yard. When they got married, they discussed that Kate would be in charge of most of the indoor chores and Danny would be responsible for everything outside, including the yard. 

Scenario A = Base scenario + the following:

Kate is upset that Danny hasn’t been taking care of the yard in the last few weeks. Danny argues that he’s been increasingly tired due to additional work stress and having to spend more hours at work. He tries to explain that it’s hard to keep up the yard as he usually does since he now gets home after dark. Kate’s still mad because he’s not keeping up his end of their agreement.

Scenario B = Base scenario + the following:

Kate refers to herself as a ‘recovering perfectionist’, and she takes pride in the tidy home she keeps. When she started dating Danny, she noticed that he was messier than she was, but she decided that if she took over the home and Danny could just keep up the yard, she’d be able to tolerate their differences in how they organize things. Danny feels the yard looks fine, and compared to the other yards in their neighborhood, the time he spends on the yard work is adequate. In his mind, their yard doesn’t look as bad as the other yards in the neighborhood, and he feels Kate is overreacting.

Scenario C = Base scenario + the following:

When they first met, Kate noticed Danny was messier than she was, but she thought he’d eventually come to realize how important keeping an organized home was to her. Kate feels their neighbors judge the messiness of their yard, and she sees Danny’s dismissal of the severity of the issue as a sign he doesn’t prioritize their relationship. When they have this fight, Kate accuses Danny of being lazy and worthless as a husband. Now, every time that Kate brings up the issue of the yard, Danny walks out of the room and refuses to discuss the issue. He’s stopped doing much of anything to keep the yard up and only does the absolute minimum to meet their neighborhood HOA standards. In fact, they have been cited and fined several times over the last year.

When you consider whether Kate and Danny will be able to resolve this problem – which of these scenarios seem the easiest or hardest to solve?

Which of these scenarios is solvable, perpetual, or gridlocked?

Scenario A is an easy one - it's the solvable problem. This argument is situational in nature and there are many ways to address the issue - Kate and Danny could temporarily hire someone to help with the yard, Kate could help out, or Danny could share more about his work stress with Kate so that she relaxes her standards during this unusually stressful time. 

What solutions do you see for Scenario B and Scenario C?

Those are the types of scenarios that couples often find themselves learning to navigate in couples therapy. These scenarios aren’t so easy…

In the next blog post in this series, we’ll examine how to approach perpetual or gridlocked issues.

Article by Lindsay Poth, MA, LMFT Associate

 

Why Couples Have the Same Arguments Over & Over Again

 

You and your partner are arguing – do you ever find yourself asking:

Why do we keep having the same argument over and over?

Will we ever be able to solve this problem?

If we aren't able to come to an agreement, will this keep us from having a happy relationship?

In this blog series, we’ll address these questions and offer ways to view disagreements in your relationship.

Let’s dive in… Why do we keep having the same argument over and over?

In The Seven Principles of Making Marriage Work, Dr. John Gottman and Nan Silver explain that research shows that 69% of all marital problems are perpetual in nature - they are continual or recurrent. If you do the math, you then realize that only an average of 31% of issues are solvable. This doesn’t mean that conflict between you and your partner shouldn’t matter or be attended to but that you can let go of some of the pressure to find resolution in every conflict that arises. That’s not likely to happen – conflict can and will recur, even in healthy relationships!

How do you determine if a problem is solvable or not? To answer this question, exploring the difference between solvable problems and perpetual problems is important:

- Solvable problems: Problems that arise due to situational circumstances and have very little to no underlying meaning attached to them; resolution is possible. 

- Perpetual problems: Problems that arise due to fundamental differences in you and your partner’s personalities or lifestyle needs; increased understanding of your partner’s perspective is possible, but resolution will be more elusive.

(Note: The category of perpetual problems includes a sub-type of problem referred to as gridlocked problems – these are perpetual problems that have evolved into conflict steeped with criticism and feelings of rejection by your partner.)

Don’t be discouraged if you still find it hard to categorize a specific problem you are having with your partner, even after reading these definitions – a solvable problem for one couple may be a perpetual problem for another couple. 

Hearing this information about the nature of our disagreements can elicit different reactions from different people. 

- Some people feel better: “This is completely normal, and most of our disagreements will be repetitive and over the same things.”

- Some people feel worse: “The odds are against us, and most of our issues will never come to a resolution.”

How does this make you feel? 

How does this make your partner feel? 

Now what do we do with this information?

In the next blog post in this series, we’ll examine how the same topic of conflict can be solvable, perpetual, or even gridlocked, depending on the couple. We’ll also explore how you and your partner can approach each type of problem.

Article by Lindsay Poth, MA, LMFT Associate

 

What Turns You On... or Off? What Couples Need to Know to Have Great Sex

 

“I think I need my hormones tested… I’m not interested in sex at all.”

“I’m trying to engage my partner in foreplay, but they don’t seem interested.”

Have you ever thought you or your partner might be depressed, out of love, or broken when it comes to intimacy? In the book, Come As You Are, author Emily Nagoski, Ph.D introduces a new way of thinking about arousal using what we call The Dual Control Model of Sexual Response.

The Dual Control Model doesn’t just look at what physically happens with sex, like previous models did, but also looks at what turns you on and what turns you off. For example, this model is concerned with what sights, sounds, or tastes rev you up or down. The model was developed in the 90’s by former Kinsey Institute director, John Bancroft, and Erick Janssen. 

Here’s how it works…

A great way of thinking about this is like the brakes and accelerator in a car. These two mechanisms work in tandem - the brakes need to be let off and there needs to be enough pressure on the accelerator to make the car move. 

This is all happening in your central nervous system. Your sympathetic nervous system acts as your accelerator (scanning the environment for potentially arousing content), while your parasympathetic nervous system acts as your brakes (scanning the environment for all the reasons why you shouldn’t have sex right now).

Some common examples of accelerators are:

  • your partner smelling really great

  • having a nice dinner earlier in the evening

  • when your partner does something that makes you proud

People might have brakes like:

  • needing the mood to be just right

  • feeling worried that it may take time to get aroused

  • your bedroom being a mess

What gives your car momentum and makes it move is a unique balance of brakes and accelerators that are different for every individual.

When you understand this model, it creates a great conversation for you to figure out your brakes and accelerators, as well as your partner’s, so that you can each work to create an ideal environment and context for great sex.

Nagoski has a sexual temperament questionnaire which you can explore in couples therapy or on your own with your partner. Check it out below!

Article by Sarah Imparato, MA, LMFT Associate