You’re Saying Sorry the Wrong Way: A Therapist’s Guide to Real Apologies

 

As a licensed couples therapist in Austin, one of the most common hurdles we tackle in couples therapy and that I see in relationships in general is the struggle to offer—and receive—a genuine, real apology. Maybe you’ve been there: You or your partner says “sorry,” but the tension doesn’t go away. Or you hear an apology that somehow leaves you feeling even less understood.

You wonder, Why doesn’t that count? Isn’t saying sorry enough?

For many people, the act of apologizing feels vulnerable, confusing, or even threatening. Maybe you didn’t grow up seeing healthy apologies modeled in the relationships or marriages around you. Maybe you equate apologizing with admitting you're a bad person. Or maybe you're not sure what a real apology is supposed to sound like. 

Let’s break down what an effective apology is (and isn’t), and walk through some practical tips on how to apologize in a relationship the right way—so your words can actually foster healing, reconnection, and emotional intimacy.

1. Start With Clear, Direct Responsibility 

An effective apology names what happened—clearly and without defensiveness. 

Example: “I snapped at you during our conversation, and I can see that it hurt you.” 

Not: “I’m sorry if I upset you.” 

That little word “if” can make your partner feel like their reaction is the problem. When in doubt, drop qualifiers and name your behavior. 

2. Acknowledge the Emotional Impact with Empathy

Take a moment to reflect on how your actions made your partner feel. Then say it out loud.

Example: “I imagine it felt really invalidating when I dismissed your concerns.” 

This shows that you’re not just checking a box—you’re tapping into empathy and trying to understand their experience. This deepens emotional intimacy and helps your partner feel understood.

3. Avoid Defensiveness and Excuses 

It’s tempting to justify your actions, especially if you didn’t mean to hurt your partner. But remember: intent does not cancel out impact. 

Example: “Even though I was feeling overwhelmed, it wasn’t okay to take it out on you.” 

Not: “I was just stressed. You were being really intense.” 

Responsibility and context can co-exist. A good apology owns what happened and saves the explanation for later, if your partner asks for it. 

4. Express Genuine Regret 

Let your partner know that you care about the hurt your actions caused—not just that it caused conflict, but that it hurt them personally. 

Example: “It really bothers me to know that I made you feel alone. That’s the last thing I want.”

This is the emotional glue of a meaningful apology. It fosters connection and helps rebuild emotional intimacy and safety.

5. Commit to Change 

Even the most heartfelt apology will fall flat if the behavior keeps repeating. Talk about what you’ll do differently next time. 

Example: “Next time I feel overwhelmed, I’ll ask for a break instead of shutting down.” 

You don’t have to be perfect, but effort matters. Apologies create trust when they’re backed by action. That’s the core of true relationship repair.

6. Give Your Partner Space to Respond 

A good apology is not a monologue—it’s the start of a dialogue. After you’ve apologized, give your partner a chance to express how they feel. Don’t rush to move on or expect instant forgiveness. 

Example: “Is there anything else you want me to understand?”

TL;DR: How to Apologize in a Relationship the Right Way

An effective apology has five key ingredients: 

  1. Clarity – State what you did. 

  2. Empathy – Acknowledge the hurt. 

  3. Ownership – No excuses or blame. 

  4. Regret – Show you care about the impact. 

  5. Repair – Commit to doing better. 

A real apology isn’t just about saying the words—it’s about taking ownership, showing empathy, and making the other person feel seen and valued. Sincere apologies don’t just fix problems—they build emotional intimacy.

They say: I see you. I hear you. You matter to me. 

If you or your partner struggle with apologies or with communication in general, couples therapy can be a safe space to explore these patterns and build new ones.

Looking for Austin couples therapy? We're here to help you reconnect.

 

What to Expect in Your First Couples Therapy Session in Austin

 

Deciding to begin couples therapy is a big step—one that takes courage, commitment, and a shared desire for growth. Whether you and your partner are facing a specific challenge or simply want to strengthen your relationship, that first therapy session can feel like a mix of hope and uncertainty. As a licensed marriage and family therapist, I want to help you feel prepared and confident about what to expect during your first couples therapy session. 

What Happens in Your First Couples Therapy Session 

Your initial session serves as a foundation for your therapy journey. It’s an opportunity for you, your partner, and your therapist to establish trust, set expectations, and begin to understand the dynamics of your relationship. Here’s what typically happens: 

1. Introductions and Creating a Safe Space 

Your therapist will begin by introducing themselves and outlining their approach to therapy. They will also discuss confidentiality and how therapy sessions will be conducted. The goal is to create a safe and supportive environment where both partners feel heard and respected. 

2. Understanding Your Relationship Story 

Your therapist will ask questions about your relationship history—how you met, significant milestones, and what has brought you to therapy at this time. This helps the therapist get a sense of your dynamic, strengths, and challenges. 

3. Identifying Your Therapy Goals

Together, you and your partner will discuss what you hope to gain from therapy. Are you looking to improve communication? Rebuild trust? Strengthen intimacy? Understanding your couples therapy goals helps the therapist tailor the sessions to your unique needs. 

4. Establishing a Plan for Future Sessions 

Before wrapping up, your therapist will discuss the structure of future sessions and what you can expect moving forward. This may include setting up a schedule for sessions, discussing the couples therapist's therapeutic approach, and outlining strategies to work on between sessions. The goal is to ensure both partners feel comfortable and committed to the process. 

Common Concerns About Starting Couples Therapy

It’s natural to have concerns before starting therapy. Here are a few common ones: 

● What if we disagree during the session? That’s okay! The therapist is there to help navigate conflicts in a productive way. 

● Will the therapist take sides? No. A licensed couples therapist remains neutral, ensuring both partners feel validated and heard. 

● What if one of us is hesitant about therapy? It’s common for one partner to be more eager than the other. The therapist will work to create a comfortable space for both of you to engage in the process at your own pace. 

Moving Forward Together: Next Steps After Your First Couples Therapy Session

The first session is just the beginning. Couples therapy is a journey that takes time, effort, and patience. With an open mind and a willingness to grow, you and your partner can create a stronger, healthier relationship. 

If you’re considering couples therapy, I encourage you to take that first step with curiosity and hope. The path to deeper connection starts with one conversation at a time.

 

Meet Austin Couples Therapist Lauren Little

 

Tell us a little about your background as a therapist…

Hello there! My name is Lauren Little, and I am an Austin, TX-based Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (LMFT) Associate seeing individuals, couples, and other relational units. As an Austin couples therapist, I work with a variety of clients and draw on my training in several therapeutic models, including Attachment Theory, Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), Gottman Method Couples Therapy, and Internal Family Systems (IFS). Additionally, I have received specific training in grief and loss, spiritual harm and religious trauma, and sex therapy. 

Why did you choose to become a therapist?

For the past decade, I have worked as a pediatric nurse caring for patients and their families facing chronic and terminal illnesses. My passion has always been to offer compassionate, holistic care. Over time, I found myself especially drawn to the mental health side of caring for others. My own experience in therapy has had a profound impact on me and ultimately inspired me to pursue graduate school. I went on to complete my Master’s in Counseling at Texas State University and pursued additional counseling training for couples therapy and other populations, further deepening my commitment to helping others on their healing journey.

What are you passionate about in the therapy room?

My training reflects the many passions that led me to become a therapist. As an Austin couples therapist, I am especially passionate about working with couples and individuals who seek deeper intimacy within their relationships and wish to overcome challenges in emotional and physical connection. I enjoy working with clients who desire a deeper understanding of themselves and their relationships with others.

Additionally, I am deeply committed to supporting clients who have experienced grief or loss, addressing the many aspects of life that can be impacted by these experiences. I am also particularly passionate about working with individuals who have experienced spiritual harm or religious abuse, helping them heal and rebuild a healthy sense of self.

In my work with individuals, I am dedicated to supporting those navigating life transitions, managing anxiety and depression, and those who may have experienced trauma or have developmental trauma histories.

Beyond the therapy space, what do you enjoy?

Outside of sessions, I cherish time with my husband and our baby girl. Together we love exploring Austin and find joy in the food and coffee scene. Catching live music or sitting down to a meal with family and friends are other favorite activities. If I’m not doing these things, I enjoy a good yoga flow, getting lost in a book, or finishing a sewing project. I am currently working on a quilt and learning how to two-step!

Looking for an Austin couples therapist or individual therapist? Reach out to Lauren to schedule a free 15-minute phone consult!

 

5 Reasons Couples Begin Couples Therapy

 

Considering the idea of couples therapy or marriage counseling to help navigate through the difficulties of your relationship may stir up feelings of vulnerability and anxiety. However, it's important to recognize that couples therapy is not a sign that your relationship or marriage is in trouble or on its way to failure. Instead, it can be a powerful tool for growth, understanding, and building a stronger foundation for your relationship. In this blog post, we'll explore reasons why couples might consider beginning couples therapy and how it can be beneficial for relationships.

1. Gain better communication skills 

One of the most common reasons couples might begin couples therapy is to address communication challenges. Many couples find themselves struggling with how to communicate with their partner in a beneficial way. Couples therapy is a great resource when exploring an issue like communication. A couples therapist can provide a neutral and supportive space for couples to learn effective communication strategies, express their needs, and better understand one another. 

2. Conflict resolution 

Every relationship encounters conflicts, but when disagreements becomerepetitive or escalate into frequent arguments, it can significantly impact arelationship and the bond between partners. Couples therapy equips coupleswith tools to navigate disagreements in a more constructive way. Couplestherapists often guide couples through conflict resolution techniques that promotehaving a better understanding of one another and finding beneficial and effectivesolutions to conflict.

3. Increase intimacy & build a deeper emotional connection

Another reason couples might begin couples therapy is to build a deeper connection with one another. As relationships evolve, couples might find themselves feeling disconnected or lacking emotional intimacy. Couples therapy is a great way for couples to explore these challenges and help couples reconnect. 

4. Navigate life transitions & stressors 

A couple might look into beginning couples therapy when undergoing a life transition. Life is full of transitions, from job changes to moving to welcoming a newborn to becoming empty nesters. These changes can add stress to a relationship. Couples therapy provides a supportive environment to navigate these challenges, offering coping strategies and helping couples adapt to their new circumstances. 

5. Direction after a breach of trust 

Trust is one of the most important components in any relationship, and when it's broken, rebuilding it can be a complex and delicate process. Whether it's infidelity or another kind of breach of trust, such as lies or betrayal, these things can destroy trust, often leaving couples feeling shattered and uncertain about the future. Couples therapy offers a structured environment for rebuilding and repairing the trust that has been broken. Couples therapists can guide couples through the process of forgiveness, healing, and establishing new patterns of trust.

Choosing to begin couples therapy is a courageous first step toward growth and healing. It requires vulnerability, commitment, and a willingness to explore the dynamics of your relationship. Whether you're facing communication challenges, conflicts, intimacy issues, life transitions, or trust issues, seeking help from a couples therapist can help provide couples with the tools and insights needed for growth and positive transformation.

Emily Ilseng, MA, LMFT Associate

Offering Austin Couples Therapy & Marriage Counseling + Individual Counseling

 

4 Myths About Couples Therapy for Affair Recovery

 

Affairs can be devastating to a relationship, shaking the foundation on which a couple has built. The aftermath of an affair is often filled with emotional turmoil, mistrust, and a sense of betrayal. Considering addressing the aftermath of an affair in couples therapy can feel very daunting. As a couples therapist, I often encounter couples who harbor fears about seeking help for the aftermath of an affair. In this blog post, my hope is to dispute common myths surrounding infidelity in couples therapy and provide reassurance and guidance for those thinking about couples therapy for affair recovery or infidelity recovery.

Myth #1: The Role of the Couples Therapist In Affair Recovery Is To Assign Blame

One myth, and a significant fear for many couples, is that the role of the couples therapist will focus on assigning blame to one partner. Couples therapists work towards fostering open communication and facilitating a deeper understanding of each partner's needs and concerns. Blaming one partner for the affair would be very unhelpful and could potentially harm the therapeutic process. Both individuals play a role in the healing process, and couples therapy aims to create a supportive environment for both partners to express themselves.

Myth #2: Seeking Couples Therapy For Affair Recovery Should Only Be A Last Resort 

Only utilizing couples therapy as a last resort is a misconception. Oftentimes, couples feel that their only option is to get through the aftermath of an affair alone, which can cause even more added stress to a very delicate and challenging situation. Seeking couples therapy early on after infidelity or an affair is discovered can help the couple feel supported and that they do not have to navigate this alone. Therapists are equipped with the skills and tools to guide couples through the challenges of affair recovery - rebuilding trust, fostering communication, and repairing the relationship after an affair happens.

Myth #3: The Role Of A Couples Therapist In Affair Recovery Is To Only Focus On The Partner Who Was Involved In An Affair 

Some couples may fear that therapy will solely focus on the partner who had the affair. In reality, effective couples therapy for affair recovery involves addressing the needs and emotions of both partners. Couples therapists strive to create a balanced approach, ensuring that each individual's experiences are acknowledged and that each partner feels heard and validated through this process.

Myth #4: Couples Will Be Able To See Immediate Resolution With Just A Few Sessions 

Expecting to see an immediate resolution is another misconception about couples therapy for affair recovery. Rebuilding trust after infidelity is a gradual process that requires time, patience, and commitment from both partners. Therapy provides a structured and supportive environment, but it does not offer a quick fix. Couples should be prepared to invest time and effort when working towards infidelity recovery or affair recovery.

Infidelity is undoubtedly a delicate and challenging topic for couples to navigate. However, addressing these myths about affair recovery in couples therapy can help alleviate fears and encourage couples to seek the support they need when thinking about seeking couples therapy for affair recovery.

Emily Ilseng, MA, LMFT Associate

Offering Austin Couples Therapy for Affair Recovery and Individual Counseling