Secure Relationships and Attachment: What Couples in Austin Need to Know

Have you ever heard a couple say “oh, we never fight!” and thought, wow, relationship goals?

Sometimes we have a tendency to define a healthy, secure relationship as one without conflict. However, clinical research tells a different story. In fact, secure relationships don’t avoid conflict altogether, but rather, they know how to move through it in healthy, connecting ways.

What Defines a Secure Relationship?

So what does define a secure relationship?

As an Austin couples therapist, I often refer to Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), an attachment-based approach that highlights three core elements of a secure bond:

1. Accessibility

• When your partner is upset or hurting, do they have a way to reach for you? Can you reach for them? Accessibility means knowing that you can find each other, especially in moments of distress. 

2. Responsiveness:

• When your partner reaches for you in their moment of distress, do you turn toward them? This may look like putting down your phone to listen, or answering a call when it matters. Over time, each partner comes to trust: you’ll be there, and you’ll respond.

3. Emotionally Engaged: 

• Beyond being reachable and responsive, can you let yourself be moved by your partner’s experience? Emotional engagement is about being with your partner in their pain, not fixing, dismissing, or avoiding it. 

When these three elements are present, relationships begin to feel more secure, and patterns between partners start to shift in meaningful ways. EFT is commonly used in couples therapy in Austin to help partners strengthen emotional connection and build a more secure attachment.

What Does a Secure Relationship Look Like in Everyday Life?

While every relationship is unique, there are a few common markers:

• Emotional Availability

• Partners are reliably there for each other, especially in hard moments. This doesn’t have to be perfect, just consistent enough. In fact, some EFCT research shows that feeling connected and attuned to each other one-third of the time can be enough to foster a sense of security.

• Clear, Honest Communication

• Partners can openly share needs, feelings, and boundaries, rather than relying on hinting, passive-aggression, or even abandoning their own needs. Even when these needs can’t be fully met, it feels safe to talk about them

• If communication struggles are creating distance in your relationship, you may also find our post on how to fight fair in your relationship helpful.

• A Secure Base

• There is room for each partner to have their own identity, to explore different interests, and to learn and to grow. Closeness doesn’t require shrinking or minimizing oneself. Instead, the relationship is a secure place to come back to. 

• A Safe Haven

• If things get stormy, or in hard moments, each partner also trusts that their relationship is a safe place for comfort. Support is offered without minimizing, fixing too quickly, or withdrawing.

• Ability to Repair

• A secure relationship is rarely one where conflict never happens, but rather where conflict is able to be repaired. Partners listen to understand, attune to each other’s experience, apologize when needed, and comfort each other. These relationships aren’t afraid of hard things, because they know they can face it together.

At their core, secure relationships are ones where both partners feel seen, safe, and soothed. In secure relationships, each partner believes:

“I can be fully myself with you.” 

“I can depend on you, and you can depend on me.” 

“Even when things are difficult, we’ll work through it together.”

How Do You Build a More Secure Relationship?

Here’s the good news: even if this doesn’t feel like your relationship right now, you and your partner can learn to create and build a secure relationship. Secure attachment can be strengthened over time through intentional connection, emotional responsiveness, and healthier communication patterns.

If you find yourself getting stuck in patterns of insecurity or disconnection, or you simply want to grow with your partner toward building a more secure relationship, we are here to help. Learn more about our couples therapy services in Austin or explore additional relationship resources on our blog.

Reach out for your free consultation call today! 

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Article by Kate Osis, MA, LPC Associate

Providing Couples Therapy in Austin for Emotional Connection, Attachment, and Relationship Communication

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How to Fight Fair in Your Relationship: 6 Tips from Austin Couples Therapists

Every couple argues sometimes. Conflict is a normal and healthy part of any relationship. Still, fights can leave us feeling misunderstood and disconnected from the person we most want to feel close to. Learning to fight fair isn’t about avoiding disagreement - it's about learning to engage respectfully with the goal of seeking to understand and seeking resolution rather than “winning.” 

Here are some key takeaways to consider when fighting fairly in your relationship:

Take a Pause

One of the most important aspects of fighting fairly is taking a pause. Not only does pausing help with emotional regulation but it also helps you connect to what you want to communicate. 

When you pause, ask yourself: “Why am I really upset?” 

Often, what sparks our anger, like dirty dishes or forgotten errands, hides a deeper need. Maybe you’re feeling unseen, unsupported, or overwhelmed. Naming your emotions before speaking helps you approach the conversation with clarity instead of blame.

Stick to One Issue at a Time

Conversations that wander from “You didn’t text me back” to “You never listen to me” quickly spiral into confusion and defensiveness. Focusing on a single topic keeps things manageable and productive.

Language Matters

Name-calling, sarcasm, or put-downs might feel momentarily satisfying but cause lasting harm. These behaviors are examples of contempt—one of Gottman's Four Horsemen that can predict relationship distress. The goal is to discuss the issue, not attack the person.

Try using I-statements to express feelings responsibly: “I feel hurt when you interrupt me,” instead of “You never let me talk.” This small shift communicates emotion without blame.

Practice Listening

Another cornerstone of fair fighting is active listening. It sounds simple, but it’s one of the hardest aspects of communication, especially when we are upset. When your partner speaks, resist the urge to correct or rehearse your rebuttal.

Listen to understand, not to win.

If interruptions are common, try taking turns speaking for a set amount of time.

It’s Okay to Take a Time Out

If emotions rise too high, take a time-out rather than stonewalling or shutting down. Say, “I need a break, but I want to finish this later,” and agree on a time to revisit the conversation. Cooling off allows you to respond rather than react. 

Aim for Understanding

Not every issue will have a perfect resolution, but empathy and willingness to meet in the middle go a long way. Even when you can’t agree, showing your partner that you care about their perspective strengthens trust and safety.

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When Fighting Becomes a Pattern: Couples Therapy Can Help

Conflict handled with care can become a bridge rather than a barrier. When couples fight fair - by pausing, listening, and speaking with respect, they create opportunities for growth and deeper connection.

If you and your partner want support in learning to fight fairly, reach out to one of our therapists at Austin Relational Wellness to begin your couples therapy journey. 

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Article by Lauren Little, MA, LMFT Associate

Offering Couples Therapy for Communication & Conflict in Austin and Individual Therapy for Relationship Issues

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Premarital Counseling for Engaged Couples in Austin: Benefits and What to Expect

Planning a wedding can feel like juggling a hundred moving pieces—flowers, playlists, cake flavors, family expectations. It's easy to become caught up in the details of the day. As exciting as your wedding day is, what truly matters is the life you’re creating together once the celebration ends. That’s where premarital counseling comes in. 

What is Premarital Counseling?

Premarital counseling is a tailored and structured counseling approach that gives couples the space to explore their relationship in more depth before their marriage commitment. Contrary to common misconceptions, premarital counseling is not about pointing out problems or flaws. Instead, it’s designed to help you strengthen your foundation, deepen your connection, and prepare for the challenges and joys of marriage.  

Premarital counseling is beneficial whether this is your first marriage or you’re entering marriage again. Every couple, no matter their history, can benefit from tools that nurture communication, foster intimacy, and build resilience. Many couples seek premarital therapy in Austin proactively, not because something is wrong, but because they want to build a healthier and more connected relationship before marriage.

What Do Couples Talk About in Premarital Counseling?

Topics that are typically covered include the following:

• Communication, personality, and conflict styles

• Values and expectations in life, career, gender roles, children, and spirituality/religion

• Finances and lifestyle

• Family of origin and relationship history

• Shared meaning and rituals of connection

• Intimacy and connection 

Benefits of Premarital Counseling Before Marriage

Building a strong foundation before marriage can increase long-term relationship satisfaction, trust, and intimacy. Couples who engage in premarital counseling often find that they not only grow as partners but also as individuals. When you invest in learning about yourself and your partner, you’re setting your marriage up for resilience and providing your relationship with tools to navigate stress and celebrate milestones.

Premarital counseling can also help couples:

• Improve communication skills

• Navigate conflict in healthier ways

• Clarify expectations around marriage and family life

• Strengthen emotional and physical intimacy

• Build confidence entering marriage together

Our Approach to Premarital Counseling at Austin Relational Wellness

At Austin Relational Wellness, our therapists are passionate about helping couples deepen their connection before marriage. We use research-backed methods, including Prepare/Enrich, Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), and Gottman Method-informed approaches, to guide conversations that matter most. Each session is tailored to your relationship, making sure you walk away with both insight and practical tools.

You can learn more about our approach to couples therapy in Austin and how we help couples strengthen communication and connection. 

Twogether in Texas Premarital Counseling Requirements

We are also approved providers for the Twogether in Texas program. Once couples complete the required 8 premarital counseling sessions, a certificate is given that waives the state portion of the marriage license fee (a $60 savings) and allows you to skip the 72-hour waiting period. It’s a win-win: you invest in your marriage and get tangible benefits for your wedding planning process. 

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Looking for Premarital Counseling in Austin?

If you’re engaged (or even just seriously considering marriage), premarital counseling can help you build a stronger foundation for the future you’re creating together, and we’d love to support you.

At Austin Relational Wellness, we provide premarital counseling and couples therapy in Austin, TX for couples who want to strengthen communication, deepen emotional connection, and enter marriage with greater confidence and understanding.

Reach out to one of our marriage counselors at Austin Relational Wellness.

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Article by Lauren Little, MA, LMFT Associate

Offering Premarital Counseling for Austin Couples

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Meet Kate Osis: Austin Couples Therapist | EFT & Trauma-Informed Care

Meet Kate: Austin Couples Therapist

Hi, I’m Kate! I’m a therapist who works with couples and individuals, and is passionate about the central role that relationships play in our lives. I believe we are designed for connection and belonging, and when we experience those, whether it's in a relationship, in our families, in friendships, or simply with ourselves, we can thrive. 

Credentials and Therapy Specializations

Since becoming a therapist, I have worked with clients from ages 4 to 63, and have experience with couples, adults, teens, and kiddos. I have training in Emotionally-Focused Therapy, Internal Family Systems, Somatic Experiencing, trauma-informed care, eating disorders, religious and spiritual counseling, and more. Most of my work as a couples therapist has centered around recovering from betrayal or feeling stuck in patterns of miscommunication and conflict. In individual therapy, I have experience working with complex trauma, anxiety, people-pleasing and perfectionism, low self-esteem, body image, and religious and spiritual challenges.

A fun fact is that I also spent a year training and working in play therapy and parent coaching, and although I no longer work in the playroom, I’m so grateful for the ways this deepened my work with all clients.

Journey to Becoming a Couples Therapist

Therapy is my second career. Prior to pursuing therapy, I was a consultant for the federal government in Washington, DC, advising government agencies on workforce strategy. There were things I loved about the job, but I knew it wasn’t my long-term career fit. I began to notice that the parts I loved most were people-oriented, such as building relationships with clients or mentoring junior employees. Outside of work, I realized I was spending my time mentoring, reading books by therapists, and listening to podcasts by therapists. I started to connect the dots and become interested in what this career could look like.

When the COVID-19 pandemic hit, and everyone’s lives were turned upside down, I decided it was time to make a change. After talking with clinicians in the field, and beginning my own therapy, I knew I wanted to work directly with people in this field, providing support and tools to help them pursue their goals and become healthier, more whole versions of themselves. 

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Education and Training Background

For my counseling education, I went to the George Washington University in Washington, DC, and received my Masters in Clinical Mental Health Counseling. 

Prior to this, I received both my Masters in Public Policy and Leadership and my Bachelors in Spanish from the University of Virginia in Charlottesville, Virginia. 

Kate's Focus: Couples and Young Women

First, of course, are couples. I love working with couples who have gotten stuck in patterns of disconnection or feel distant from their partners, whether due to life demands, betrayal, or miscommunication. I believe healthy relationships are directly tied to our quality of life, and my hope is that all of my clients can feel seen, known, and cherished in their relationships.

Second, I love working with young women, and even older teens, who are navigating becoming who they want to be in all areas of their lives - friendships, career, relationships, family, etc. This is such a crucial developmental period, and I love to help clients feel empowered to build lives full of self-compassion, agency, and joy. 

Getting to Know Kate: An Austin Native

I’m a native Austinite who recently moved back to Austin, TX after living in the Washington, DC area for about 13 years. My husband is from Philadelphia, so I did marry into the Philly sports fandom - we love to watch the Eagles every weekend. My favorite forms of self-care are long walks listening to an audiobook and an early bedtime. I also could be classified as a “foodie,” and love trying new restaurants or recipes at home.

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Article by Kate Osis, MA, LPC Associate

Offering Austin Couples Therapy & Individual Therapy for Young Women

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Meet Justine Hughes, Austin Therapist: Supporting Couples and Individuals

At Austin Relational Wellness, we’re proud to introduce Justine Hughes, one of our therapists dedicated to helping people cultivate stronger relationships and more meaningful lives. Justine works with both couples and individuals, creating a space where vulnerability, curiosity, and compassion open the door to connection and growth. Her work is rooted in the belief that relationships, with others and with ourselves, are powerful places for healing and transformation.

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My Approach in the Therapy Room

I’m a therapist who works with both couples and individuals who are longing for deeper, more fulfilling relationships and lives. Over the years, I’ve had the privilege of sitting with people in many different seasons—when relationships feel conflict-ridden, when the spark seems to have faded, or when life has brought unexpected losses that shake the ground beneath them. My training is rooted in attachment-informed, psychodynamic, and experiential approaches, which means I pay close attention to emotions in the moment, look at relational patterns, and gently explore the unconscious ways our past might be shaping the present. I see therapy as a collaborative process where we identify the underlying sources of pain and move together toward growth, empowerment, and connection.

Why I Chose to Become a Therapist

I chose this work because I deeply believe in the power of relationships and that my natural gifts lie in connecting with others. So often, the places where we struggle the most are also where we long to feel safe, understood, and loved. Becoming a therapist felt like a natural path for me and the best use of my curiosity in others. I wanted to hold space for people when life feels overwhelming, confusing, or lonely. I know how transformative it can be when someone feels truly seen and supported, and I wanted to be that presence for others, just as my own therapists have been for me. I feel my experience first and foremost as a client of therapy provides me with both deeper insight and immense confidence in the power of this work. 

What I’m Passionate About in Therapy

What lights me up in the therapy room is witnessing people rediscover themselves and their connections. I love when a couple finds a new way to communicate that opens the door to intimacy, or when an individual begins to feel empowered in their own voice. Those moments of realization and reconnection, when clients can feel both safe and brave, are what I’m most passionate about. My role is to help tend to the tender places with compassion, so clients can move toward relationships and lives that feel more whole and alive.

Beyond the Therapy Space

Outside of therapy, I try to practice what I preach about connection and presence. Though sometimes that looks like deep conversations with friends, and other times it’s me binge-watching a new show, downing a burger. I love being outdoors, exploring new places, and laughing a lot (usually at my own jokes). I also find a lot of joy in slowing down, whether that’s with a good meal, a long walk, or simply doing nothing at all. Life can get heavy, so I make it a point to soak up the lighthearted, silly moments wherever I can and really enjoy my people! 

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If you’re ready to take the next step toward healthier, more connected relationships, Justine is here to walk alongside you. Whether through couples therapy to rebuild intimacy or individual therapy to rediscover your own voice, she offers a supportive and empowering space for growth. Reach out to Austin Relational Wellness today to schedule with Justine Hughes and begin your path toward deeper connection and lasting change.

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Justine Hughes, MA, LMFT Associate

Offering Couples Therapy and Individual Therapy in Austin, TX and Online to Texas residents!

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How Active Listening Can Transform Conflict in Your Relationship

Have you ever been in an argument with your partner and found your body tense, heart racing, only to realize later that both you and your partner never really solved the problem or listened to one another?

You are not alone. 

Why Conflict Feels So Overwhelming

When emotions rise, our bodies do what they’re wired to do: protect, defend, shut down, or flee. In these moments, it becomes harder to communicate and listen effectively because we’re in a fight-or-flight response. This often leads to a breakdown in communication, leaving both partners feeling misunderstood, lonely, or unseen.

And yet, it’s in these very moments, when it feels hardest, that the skill of active listening matters most.

What It Means to Practice Active Listening

Active listening is a way of showing connection in the most difficult of times. It doesn’t mean being passive or agreeable. In fact, it’s quite the opposite. Remaining present in conflict takes immense courage.

Active listening is a skill that’s built like a muscle. Many of us did not gain these skills from a safe other who modeled how to stay present when emotions ran high. It’s no wonder this skill gets brushed off as “simple,” but in truth, it’s one of the most challenging to practice when you're activated or escalated in an argument.

It requires slowing down, regulating your nervous system, releasing the need to control the outcome, and choosing connection in the middle of the storm.

What a task!

Ways to Begin Growing in Active Listening

Pause and Breathe

• Slowing down your body's fight-or-flight response gives you the opportunity to move from reacting to responding.

• Try taking 5 deep breaths to help you get into a more manageable emotional space.

Reflect Before You React

• Active listening means focusing on what your partner is saying instead of preparing your comeback. Slowing down helps you listen to understand, not just to respond reactively.

• Try saying: “What I hear you saying is...” instead of, “That’s not what happened!”

  👉 Related Reading: Defensiveness: Stop Blaming Your Partner and Start Taking Responsibility

Validate Feelings

• Acknowledging emotions builds connection. Even if you disagree with the story, you can still validate how your partner is feeling.

• Try saying: “I can see why that would feel painful.”

Repair When You Miss It

• Owning mistakes quickly can prevent a fight from escalating. If you mess up, own it!

• Try saying: “I realized I cut you off and went into problem-solving mode. Can we try again?”

  👉 Related Reading: You’re Saying Sorry the Wrong Way: A Therapist’s Guide to Real Apologies

How Active Listening Builds Connection in Relationships

Practicing active listening does not remove conflict from your marriage or relationship, but it can help change the way you have conflict. We all have moments when we’re reactive and things don’t go the way we hoped. But the skill of returning to presence, again and again, is what builds connection and security. It becomes part of the foundation for a lifelong, resilient relationship.

Next Steps: Building Lasting Relationship Skills Together

We can learn these skills with one another. If you’re starting this work solo, you may want to read Taking the First Step: Navigating Relationship Challenges on Your Own. If you and your partner would like support in learning how to build active listening and communication skills, we at Austin Relational Wellness would love to walk alongside you in this journey. Book a session today and take the first step toward a healthier, more connected relationship.

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Lauren Little, MA, LMFT Associate

Offering Couples Therapy for Conflict in Austin, Individual Therapy for Relationship Problems, and more

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Meet The Counselors | Austin Relational Wellness

Meet Cat van der Westhuizen: Austin EFT Couples Therapist

Cat is a Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC) and Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (LMFT)—and the Clinical Director and co-owner of Austin Relational Wellness. She provides couples therapy and individual counseling for adults who are struggling in their relationships and looking to create deeper, more authentic connections.

Cat helps individuals and couples who feel stuck, anxious, or disconnected. Many of her clients come to her worn out from managing others' feelings, struggling to experience their full range of emotions, or caught in painful relationship patterns that feel impossible to break. She supports them in exploring what's really going on beneath the surface so they can understand themselves better and show up more authentically in their lives and relationships.

Cat's Approach to Therapy

Cat’s therapeutic style is shaped by attachment theory, relational psychology, and modern psychoanalytic frameworks. She has advanced training in Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) and the Narrative Enneagram, and she continually invests in her own growth through consultation groups focused on couples work, Enneagram, and modern psychoanalysis.

As an Emotionally Focused couples therapist, Cat acts as a process consultant for couples stuck in painful interaction cycles. She helps by slowing down the emotional process, identifying the patterns that keep couples disconnected, and shaping positive experiences that can heal relationships and deepen emotional bonds.

Couples Therapy with Cat

Cat works with couples facing:

• Communication breakdowns and recurring conflict

• Disconnection and emotional distance

• Premarital preparation

• Life transitions that strain the relationship

• Rebuilding after trust has been broken

She uses EFT to help couples reconnect, rebuild friendship and intimacy, and develop healthier ways of navigating conflict. Cat believes deeply in the power of a healthy, loving relationship—and she's committed to helping couples create that for themselves.

Community & Professional Involvement

Connection and community are central to who Cat is, both as a therapist and as a person. She recently completed her term as board president for the Austin Association for Marriage and Family Therapy (Austin AMFT), where she served in various roles for over 6 years, and she is an active member of the Austin Community for Emotionally Focused Therapy.

Outside the Therapy Room

When she's not in session, Cat enjoys trying new recipes, camping, and getting out in nature with her husband, daughter, and pit bull.

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Looking for a Couples Therapist?

Cat is currently not accepting new clients. But don't worry—our team of experienced couples therapists shares Cat's commitment to evidence-based, relationship-focused care.

If you're ready to start couples therapy or individual counseling, we'd love to match you with one of our other clinicians who can help.

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Cat van der Westhuizen, MA, LPC, LMFT, is the Clinical Director and co-owner of Austin Relational Wellness. She has been practicing in Austin since 2017.